


come home to my heart

by wildestdreams



Series: go ahead, rip my heart out if that's what love's all about [2]
Category: One Direction (Band)
Genre: Angst, Bottom Harry, Break Up, Exes, Fluff, Friends to Lovers, M/M, Second Chances, Smut, Top Louis Tomlinson
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-05-08
Updated: 2020-05-08
Packaged: 2021-03-03 01:13:29
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 25,488
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24066400
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/wildestdreams/pseuds/wildestdreams
Summary: Harry was always going to be beautiful, he thought. And he knew deep down that his heart still beats for Harry, that he loved him something so terrible, and those two things would never change.orA chance encounter, four years later, brings Louis and Harry back together.
Relationships: Harry Styles/Louis Tomlinson
Series: go ahead, rip my heart out if that's what love's all about [2]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1736125
Comments: 39
Kudos: 155





	come home to my heart

**Author's Note:**

> aaaaaand, it's here. I realize that when I published the prequel, I promised a sequel soon after. but life happened and now life is happening again, and we're here in this pandemic. I'm home. I've been home about 2 months now with no idea when things will go back to normal, and I thought why not go back into writing since I have all this time? I finished another wip a few weeks ago and made this sequel my priority after that. I'm so happy it's finally here for you guys to read. I hope that it's everything you wanted, that it lives up to the prequel, which was so dear to my heart. this one's for everyone who messaged me and commented on the fic, asking when the sequel will come. thank you for remembering it, and thank you for sending so much love!  
>   
> i want to thank my betas, [a](http://skyebyrd.tumblr.com) and [j](https://dimpled-halo.tumblr.com/). you both pulled through and helped me so much. I appreciate you both tremendously.
> 
> I hope you all are staying safe and well. hopefully this fic brings a little light during these dark times. xx

_“I look at you,_

_and I just love you,_

_and it terrifies me._

_It terrifies me_

_what I would do for you.”_

\- Alexandra Bracken

»«

There was a brief fifteen-minute period between Louis’ last class on Friday and his evening shift at the Coffee Bean. He used that time to run to the corner deli where he bought his usual order of a chicken salad wrap and then ate it along with a bag of chips and a can of coke while walking to work. It was a lot considering the distance between work and school was precisely seven minutes _and_ it was hard having to chew his food and walk at the same time. 

Louis had mastered it, though. He had a routine, one that he stuck by. Today was no different, and he was finishing up the last of his wrap by the time he walked into the coffee shop. Niall was behind the counter, wiping it down with a blue rag. The afternoon rush hour had just ended it looked like, but in another two hours or so, it would start up again. That was usually when Louis made the most tips. 

“Hey buddy,” Niall greeted in a sing-song voice and a bright smile. 

“Hi,” Louis responded, his mouth full of the massive bite he just took. He walked around the counter where Niall was and placed his bag inside a cubby, grabbing his work apron out of there as well. After he finished chewing, he turned to his roommate. “How was your shift today?”

“Good,” Niall said. “One customer nearly ripped off another one’s head because he cut her in line, so that was entertaining.”

“I’m sad I missed it,” Louis snorted, wrapping his apron around himself. “Are you headed home after this?”

“Yeah. I had a test this morning, so I want to take a nap. I’ve been trying to convince Zayn to go out to the bar tomorrow night. I’m about 90% there. Are you in?”

Louis scrunched up his face and shrugged. “Honestly? Not really. I’ve got some assignments to finish up before the week starts.”

Niall looked at him, sad and dejected. “What happened to you, man?”

“Oh God,” he rolled his eyes, laughing. “Niall, it’s not that serious.”

“It is because you used to be fun,” Niall pointed out as Louis made his way over to the register, awaiting customers. So far, it was just a girl sitting in the corner of the shop, working on her laptop, an elderly man drinking tea and reading the newspaper, and a couple, chatting quietly. Vance Joy played lowly on the speakers, creating a soft and mellow vibe. “I don’t know, Lou. I get having to convince Zayn to come out because everyone knows that mother fucker didn’t like going out much, to begin with, and spent all of his high school days cooped up in my basement smoking weed because he didn’t want his mom to find out that he smoked. But you? You used to love going out and now you’re just becoming a grandpa.”

“Hey,” Louis snapped, offended at the accusation. “I resent that. I’m not boring. I’m just always tired from work and school. I don’t want to stay out late. You know I get cranky when I get less than eight hours of sleep. Besides, I graduate this year, so maybe after that, I’ll go out and recklessly party with you like the old days.”

“I work and go to school, too, so that’s a weak excuse,” Niall argued back, crossing his arms and leaning back against the counter. “Admit it, Lou. You’re a tamed man.”

A tamed man was pushing it. Louis was just over it. He was four years out of that small town they’d grown up in, living in LA and going to trade school while working at Coffee Bean. That life he used to live and the person he used to be seemed like a distant dream, another era. He liked it this way, honestly. He wanted to forget so much of what his old life was, but certain things he kept close. Such as his family, who he Facetimed every weekend, and his best friends, who he brought with him to this new city and new life. 

Being reckless and doing stupid shit was maybe fun for a minute, but the thrill wore off a long time ago for Louis. 

“I’ll think about it if you leave me alone about this right now,” Louis finally relented. 

That seemed to be enough for Niall, who nodded his head, admitting defeat for now and heading toward the back to get his things and head out. Louis turned to face the register just as a customer walked in and he put on his best barista face and got to work. 

»«

Saturday night saw Louis in his pajamas in front of his TV set with old episodes of _The Office_ playing while he worked on his assignments. He had an assortment of snacks in front of him as well as a bottle of soda and water. It was the perfect night in. 

Niall suddenly barged out of his bedroom with Zayn following behind. Louis glanced up at them and arched an eyebrow. He didn’t even know Zayn had come over, but then again, Zayn usually stayed over their place on the weekends after a long week at work. He typically lived in the apartment that his dad owned, but he got lonely, so more often than not, he was around. His dad expanded their business out to LA and promoted Zayn after he spent two years at the office in Albany to handle the operations at the new location. Louis and Niall were already a year into their stay in LA and were happy that their other best friend was finally making his way over. 

“What’s the update on these?” Niall gestured at Louis’ homework. 

“I finished one, have another three more to go,” Louis informed him, popping a chip into his mouth. Zayn came over and sat beside him, stealing the chip bag for himself. He was dressed up, Louis noted, as was Niall. _Right_. They were supposed to go out tonight. Since the two days that Niall had asked him, Louis had a pop quiz, a last-minute homework assignment, and two extra shifts at Coffee Bean. 

In conclusion, he was exhausted and this was the last thing on his list of things to remember. 

“Progress,” Niall cheered. “You can come out with us, have some fun, and finish the rest later this weekend.”

Niall was a hard man to argue with when he laid out facts like that. Louis didn’t have any plans the following day. He had a shift scheduled, but he canceled and switched out with someone else. He liked giving himself some time to recuperate from his weekdays. He could easily go out with them, have a few beers, and do something fun with his time other than what he knew was expected of him. Just the thought made him want to curl up, though. While they weren’t heavy partiers, it felt like pulling teeth for Louis to go out these days. He didn’t see a point to it. Nothing ever came out of it other than a hangover the next day.

“I can hear you thinking, Lou,” Niall said. “I know the gears in your head are turning, trying to think of another excuse.”

“Shut up,” Louis laughed light-heartedly. 

“I’m serious. I mean, if I can convince Zayn the hermit to go, you shouldn’t be that difficult and yet...here we are.” Niall sat down on their coffee table, facing Louis. “Do you want to know why I’m pushing so hard? I’ll tell you why. I’m worried about you, Lou. Like, you don’t even have to do anything when you go out. We just want to get you out of the three places you go to every day and freshen up your mind. It’s not healthy to be so cooped up all the time. Plus, I don’t want to go out with just Zayn. I want to go out with you too.”

“Hey,” Zayn retorted, mouth full of potato chips. “I’m wonderful company.”

“No argument there, bro,” Niall reassured him before looking at Louis. “But you complete the trio. You complete me, Lou.”

Louis couldn’t help but smile. “That’s extremely romantic of you.”

“Here’s another romantic thought,” Niall said. “If you come out tonight, anything could happen. You might meet the love of your life. We might meet our next best friend. The possibilities are endless.”

“ _You may say I’m a dreamer_ ,” Zayn started to sing. “ _But I’m not the only one_.” 

“ _I hope someday you’ll join us_ ,” Niall sang along. “ _And the world will live as one_.” 

“God, you guys are dramatic as fuck, aren’t you? Little dickheads,” Louis groaned. 

Niall grinned before it slowly faded. “I mean, if you don’t mind me asking, I know things were really tough for a while, but I thought you were okay. I thought you were doing better.”

At that, the light-heartedness drifted away and something heavier took its place. Louis _was_ okay. He tried so hard to be. But the root of his heartache was long gone and even still, it was hard to shake away sometimes. Love drove people crazy, but for Louis, it did him in. 

He remembered sleeping a lot when Harry left town for college, taking a chunk of Louis with him. Louis never got that piece of him back and he walked around like half of a person. He slept between his shifts and his community services, often forgetting to eat or talk to people, and the scary part was how easy it was to slip into that depressive routine. His sisters asked him how he was so tired all the time, but it wasn’t about being tired as it was about shutting his mind off when all of his thoughts surrounded Harry and the fact that he was _gone_. The minute he woke up, Louis remembered and the sadness overtook him. 

In fact, it got so bad that his mom dragged Louis to the doctors, asking them why her son was not himself anymore, why he came home one night and the light in him was shut off, why he woke up in the middle of the night with anxiety attacks so bad that he wasn’t sure he’d make it out alive. Louis remembered googling if people could die from heartbreak and people actually did, or so they said. So, he used to think that maybe this was him, slowly wasting away and dying from this earth-shattering ache in his chest. 

It started then ̶ his boredom with going out, getting wasted, and wreaking havoc. He was tired of it and he was utterly bored with that kind of crowd. To him, the party felt like it had raged on for years and all he wanted now was to stay home and be in bed. He didn’t want to be around other people when there was a part of him that was constantly screaming inside, wanting Harry. 

Louis tried desperately to get rid of this feeling, but his heart didn’t feel like listening and it just wanted what was his again. 

Then one day, it hit him that he could cry and scream and cut off his breathing, but Harry would still be gone. He wouldn’t be back in that room of his with the yellow curtains, waiting for Louis to climb up the pipe and kiss him quiet. He was miles away, becoming someone else and growing. So Louis decided that it was time to just give in to the reality of everything and accept it. He might not ever get to learn who the new Harry is, but he was going to do what he felt was best for himself, even when his heart rejected the very thought.

In short, Louis was doing better, but his family and friends who knew him the best knew that he was still not himself. Maybe he never would be. It just didn’t seem worth it to make them worry. 

“I’m fine,” Louis finally said. “I’m completely fine. I’m just tired. But I’ll come.”

“You will?” Niall near screamed. 

Louis got up from his seat. “Yes, you dick. Let me go change.”

Niall smacked his ass as he walked away and Louis threw a bag of Doritos at him for good measure. 

»«

The bar Niall chose was a dive bar in the West Hollywood area. Louis didn’t venture out there much, but the crowd was nice and friendly. The bar walls were red brick with fairy lights strung up everywhere; there was also a nice outdoor patio with cozy tables where people sat for their smoke breaks or to enjoy the weather. Louis hadn’t had a cigarette all day and was suddenly craving one. Maybe he could sneak away later, but for now, the boys headed inside and grabbed a table, ordering a pitcher of beer with a side of french fries and onion rings to munch on. 

“I know I was annoying and persistent,” Niall said, leaning back in his seat. “But thanks for coming out, Lou.” 

Louis smiled softly, shrugging. “No worries, Ni. How’s that girl you’ve been seeing, Z?” Louis asked, turning his attention to his dark-haired friend, who was shutting his phone off and setting it down on the table. 

“She’s good,” Zayn replied. “I’m taking it slow for now, though.”

“Think you’ll make it official?”

Zayn liked to date. He never once had an official girlfriend and it wasn’t anything he was personally bothered by. While Louis had his one and only relationship and Niall had a few girlfriends himself, Zayn had always remained single, explored his options, and played the field. But recently, he started seeing this girl named Jaz, who was pretty with a head full of wild curls and mocha-colored skin. They’d met at an art exhibit a few weeks ago and Zayn had brought Jaz around to their outings here and there. 

Louis liked her. He felt it was time Zayn had started settling down. He had everything else going for him. A solid job that he was probably going to stay at for the rest of his working career and a good family life. Louis was hoping for something similar. He liked working at Al’s Mechanic Shop when they were still back home and Al was the one who pushed Louis to apply to trade school to study business and management. He applied, along with Niall, who was bored and needed something to do but couldn’t figure out what. It was a bit of a surprise when they both got in. There was something bittersweet about packing all their belongings and finally leaving what felt like their own little world. It was now nearing the end of their school career and Louis was going to look over his options as the time approached for what he wanted to do job-wise. While the Coffee Bean was great, he didn’t want to stay there any longer than he needed to.

Their pitcher of beer and food arrived and the three of them dug in. Louis started to enjoy himself and chatted with his best friends about mundane things like Niall’s computer programming class that he loved, the receptionist at Zayn’s office who won’t stop hitting on him, and Louis’ favorite customer at the coffee shop who was this old lady that loved tea and scones. 

One pitcher turned into two and Louis felt pleasantly buzzed as he munched on the last of the fries. “Another one?” Niall asked, gesturing to the empty pitcher. 

“Yeah,” Louis nodded. “I wouldn’t mind.”

“Same,” Zayn added, picking up his phone again to probably text Jaz. Niall slid out of the booth, heading to the bar. Louis sat back for a moment, glancing around at the crowd. He noticed a pool table and darts in the back. Maybe the boys would be up for a game or two. But before that, he wanted to use the restroom. He needed a release before another pitcher arrived. 

“I’ll be right back,” Louis said, sliding out of the booth and leaving Zayn to it. He walked around the crowd of people blocking the entrance to the restrooms and made his way toward the door with the men’s sign on it. Just as he was about to push it back to open it, it opened from the other side and someone walked out. 

Louis’ breath caught in his throat and he took two steps back upon realization that it was Harry. 

Harry met his eyes at that moment, his lips parting in a soft gasp. 

The two stood there, paralyzed and staring at each other, neither making a move. Louis couldn’t think of words to say, he couldn’t even run like he wanted to. He felt like he was rooted in that spot, his legs tied down with thick, strong vines. He couldn’t look away either, trying to grasp as much of Harry, four years later, as he could. His hair was longer, down to his shoulders but still curly as ever, and his face was more mature, his features hardened and defined, not as soft as it used to be. There was a bit of stubble on his chin and he was wearing a dress shirt with one side tucked into his jeans while the buttons on the top half were unbuttoned. He looked older, different, and several inches taller than Louis remembered him being. 

There was a sinking feeling in Louis’ stomach and it was _ridiculous_. Seeing Harry, as different as he looked, was actually upsetting him. What did he expect? That Harry would just stay as Louis had left him. Of course, he wouldn’t. He grew, experienced a whole new life without Louis in it, and maybe that was what was breaking his heart. Louis didn’t want to witness who Harry had become without Louis. 

And then, bizarrely enough at a time like this, Louis recalled Niall’s words to him just before they got here. 

_You might meet the love of your life._

It was unfair. Niall couldn’t have predicted this, not really, but he did and Louis wished it didn’t happen. There was also a part of him that fought that notion. That was thrashing against his chest at the fact that his Harry was right there, in flesh, and Louis needed him closer. _So_ much closer. 

“Louis,” Harry finally spoke, his words barely a whisper. 

Louis sucked in a breath. “Hi.” 

“ _Oh my God_ ,” Harry breathed out, closing the distance between them before stopping right in front of him. His eyes searched Louis’, questioning and hesitant, and Louis was momentarily shocked at the fact that Harry was actually taller than him now, having to crane his neck down to look at him. Louis looked away, glancing down to see Harry’s hands shaking, and he took another step back so Harry wasn’t looking down at him anymore. 

“Hi,” Louis said again, dumbly. 

“What are you doing here?” Harry asked, having to speak a bit louder since someone decided at that moment to crank up the music. 

“I live here,” Louis replied. 

“You do? When did you move here?” 

“Around three years ago.”

“Fuck,” Harry cursed in disbelief. “Can we ̶ can we go outside to talk? It’s a bit loud in here.”

Louis found himself nodding and in the next second, Harry grabbed his hand, sending a jolt of electricity up Louis’ arms right to his heart. He led Louis through the bar and out the doors of the bar where the patio was. It was quieter out there, but there was still a crowd of people, talking and laughing amongst themselves. 

“Holy shit,” Harry said. Louis looked back at him and found that same dazed look on Harry’s face. “I can’t believe it’s you.”

Louis didn’t know what to do so he chuckled softly. He felt like the rug had been pulled out from under his feet, like the one thing he thought would never actually happen was happening and he was expected to just go along with it. 

“I didn’t know you moved here,” Harry continued. “I came myself a few months ago after graduating.”

“Congratulations,” Louis said, giving him a soft smile. He was always very proud of Harry and his accomplishments. _My smart babe_ , he used to say. 

Harry beamed at him, his green eyes sparkling. “Thank you. What brought you to LA?” 

“Trade school,” he answered. “Niall and I applied, somehow got in. I’m nearly done, though. Have just two more semesters to go.”

“ _What_?” Harry exclaimed, a bright grin on his face. “Louis, that’s amazing. I’m so proud of you. I could hug you right now.” 

He looked like he was fighting it, hands clenched into tight fists by his sides, his whole body vibrating with excitement. Louis stayed rooted in his spot, still unable to look away from Harry and how much four years could change. He couldn’t shake it off. He didn’t know any of Harry’s friends anymore. He didn’t know if Harry still liked ice cream when he was sick. He didn’t know if Harry still kissed a little sloppy when he was drunk, slow like he had forever in his hands. 

His smile dimmed a little as he whispered his next words. “Can I?”

Louis tilted his head to the side, confused since he kept getting lost in his own thoughts. “Can you what?”

“Hug you right now.”

His eyes were pleading, and a little pained. Louis felt like he couldn’t breathe. He slowly nodded and suddenly, Harry was in his arms. Louis closed his eyes, his hands drifting up to clutch Harry around his back. His shoulders were so broad now, he felt firm under Louis’ touch with defined and toned muscles. Harry’s face was in the crook of his neck and Louis felt him inhale and then exhale, his hot breath puffing into his skin. 

“Fuck,” Harry said, low in his ear. “It’s you. It’s _you_.”

Louis couldn’t speak again so he just hugged Harry a little tighter. Harry’s hand, which felt exponentially bigger than before, rubbed his back, pulling him a little closer. And then suddenly, again, Harry pulled back to break the hug, his eyes looking a little teary. 

“I’m sorry,” he laughed, running a hand through his hair. “I’m so fucking sorry. I’m being weird, right? I just ̶ I wasn’t sure I’d ever see you again.”

Louis didn’t think he’d see Harry ever again either. But of all the cities, Harry and Louis ended up in LA. Of all the bars in LA, they ended up in this one tonight. 

“Yeah,” Louis said. 

“I’m really happy to see you, though. You’ve no idea.”

Louis’ lips twitched, a smile spreading across his face at Harry’s sweet words. He blinked up at him and found Harry’s eyes studying him, most likely taking note of everything different. Louis did that right away, took mental notes, and stored them away to think about later. He wished he’d spent a little more time in front of the mirror before he came to make sure he looked good now that he knew he’d see Harry tonight. 

“What are _you_ doing in LA?” Louis asked him. 

“Working,” Harry replied. “I moved here in May right after graduation. I was applying for jobs during my last semester so I’d have something to fall back on once school was done. I was primarily looking in LA because I wanted to be in a city, but also a little close to home.”

Did that mean Harry wasn’t going to be working at the diner anymore? That was always his plan. Louis wondered what changed. He wondered what Harry did now. He had a lot of questions, but he was still too shell-shocked to ask any of them. 

“Are you here alone?” Harry asked him then. 

“No, I came with, uh, Niall and Zayn.”

“They’re here with you? I want to see them,” Harry said. 

Louis gestured over to the door with his head and Harry followed him this time as they made their way back inside. When Louis reached their booth, he saw Niall and Zayn were both sitting with their glasses half-filled. Both looked up when they saw Louis approaching. It was comical the way their eyes widened when they saw Harry behind Louis. 

“ _Holy shit_ ,” Niall said, standing up. “Harry?”

“The one and only, Niall. How are you?” Harry grinned, pulling Niall into a hug. 

Niall patted Harry heartily on the back a few times before pulling back. “Jesus Christ. You look good, dude.”

Harry, adorably so, started to blush, ducking his head down. He bit his lip, grinning at Zayn. “Hi, Zayn.”

“Hey,” Zayn replied, a small, cautious smile on his face as the two hugged. “Good to see you.”

“You guys too.”

The three of them looked at Louis, who was starting to feel a little light-headed. This was all a bit too much and he wasn’t prepared in the slightest. “I bumped into Harry on the way to the bathroom,” Louis said when he couldn’t think of anything else to say. “He moved here a few months back.”

“Yeah? Where do you live?” Niall asked him. 

“Pomona area,” Harry said. “You guys?”

“Well, Lou and I live in the Jefferson area. Zayn’s over in Oakwood.” 

“It’s crazy how we’ve all been here and didn’t even know,” Harry said, smiling to himself as he looked down at the ground. 

“Fucking nuts,” Niall nodded. 

Harry looked up then, staring right at Louis as he said, “Really happy to see you guys though.”

This time Louis felt his own hands shaking and he ached with the need to reach over and bring Harry closer to him. Smell him again and touch his skin. He was standing _right there_ , for Christ’s sake. For the past four years, Louis had only seen him in fleeting dreams where it seemed so real until he woke up, and now Harry was right in front of him. Louis _missed_ him. He missed him like a limb. That hole in Louis’ chest that Harry made all those years ago was gaping wide to this day. 

“Good to see you too, buddy,” Niall said, clapping Harry on the back again, dragging Harry’s eyes away from Louis. 

Harry smiled at him warmly. “I have to head out. I was actually using the bathroom and then planning to leave because I’ve got some things to take care of tomorrow morning. But I really want to see you again, Louis. Maybe we can talk soon?” 

This time, Harry was directing his words to Louis, looking at him with hopeful eyes. Louis hesitated before nodding shakily. “Yeah, of course.” 

“Did your number change?” Harry asked him. 

“No,” Louis shook his head, hesitating for only a moment. “Still the same. Did yours?”

“No, it didn’t. So I’ll text you, okay?” 

“Yeah,” Louis breathed out and then Harry was in his arms again, hugging him tightly in a crowded dive bar while his friends watched them with curious eyes. Louis clutched onto Harry tightly for a second before releasing him. 

“I’ll see you soon,” Harry whispered in his ear before walking out. Louis licked over his lips and let out a shuddery breath. 

“Fuck,” he said, looking over at his friends. 

“You alright?” Zayn asked. 

“You looked cozy just now,” Niall remarked. 

“Fuck off,” Louis said to him, pushing him aside and sitting down in the booth. Of course, it was easy to touch Harry. Hugging him felt like turning on an old favorite song, the words falling off his tongue easy and practiced even if it’d been a while. 

His friends hovered over him, both looking worried, and Louis didn’t blame them. He felt it all coming down on him then, the enormity of seeing Harry after so long. Harry wanted to see Louis again, but Louis couldn’t let that happen. He couldn’t do it all over again, but he didn’t know how to say that. 

When Harry left town, Louis fell apart. He grieved like he was mourning a death. His heart broke at the fact that he lost someone who he loved more than he loved himself. He had to cope knowing that he was never going to be able to have him back. So he left his hometown, he left that fucking shit hole he hated so much because everything about it reminded him of Harry. He walked out of there with all traces of Harry gone, flushed from his system as best as possible. He slept around a little, wanting to feel something new, but that proved fruitless because he couldn’t even look at anyone else and feel even a fraction of what he felt for Harry, so he stopped trying. 

Louis had thought he was somewhat over it. He didn’t cry like he used to, soaking his pillow with his tears. Louis couldn’t remember the last time he did that. But seeing Harry ̶ hearing his voice ̶ rattled his chest. He was trembling all the way home. 

»«

 **_6: 30 AM_ ** _\- Louis, hi! It was amazing seeing you last night. I’m still in shock honestly._

 **_6:43 AM_ ** _\- I’d love to talk properly, though. I have so much I want to say to you._

 **_7:01 AM_ ** _\- Let me know when you’ll have time. I really want to see you again._

 **_7:18 AM_ ** _\- Missed you._

Louis stared at his phone, a lump forming in his stomach first thing in the morning. He didn’t plan to respond to these messages, but it was never easy getting messages from Harry and hearing from him. Harry had reached out quite a bit over the last four years. They varied from just awkward hello’s to drawn-out rants about how he wanted to talk to Louis and didn’t know what to do because Louis never responded, to drunken rambles about missing him, thinking about him, and wanting to hear from him. 

He didn’t ignore Harry to spite him or to be a dick. It just hurt so much. He went through a lot to move on and get to where he was now. He wasn’t sure if he even fully moved on. He was just better at not letting it consume him anymore. Harry didn't know all this, though. He didn’t know that Louis cried so much that his eyes were perpetually red and puffy every day for six months. He didn’t know that Louis didn’t feel the kind of pain that allowed for a few tears, but rather the kind that made him collapse and exhausted from within. 

Louis came a long way. He wasn’t going to just give it up. It hurt every time to deny Harry, to not reach back out when it was obvious he needed Louis, but he had to do it. He had to try because loving Harry and not having him, even this many years later, still hurt. 

»«

 **_4:03 PM_ ** _\- Hey, just wanted to check on you._

 **_5:21 PM_ ** _\- Louis_

 **_8:51 PM_ ** _\- Louis please_

 **_11:00 PM_ ** _\- I really want to talk_

It drove Louis a little crazy sometimes when he thought about the fact that Harry actually left him. How he didn’t hear from Harry that first semester that he was gone. He only started reaching out later that summer. By then, Louis was already packing his bags and gearing up to head out to LA. Louis didn’t want to talk then. He was starting a clean slate with a new home, a new city. Maybe then he would find his old self, he’d thought, the one that he’d lost when Harry left. 

Louis never found his old self, but he had made peace with that. Growing up meant becoming a better version of yourself, or at least that was what his mom had always told him. Although he believed her, it was easier said than done. It was so hard that Louis wasn't even sure if he was a better version of himself, or if he just grew out of it all.

He wrote Harry texts over the years that he never sent, too scared to see what he’d get in response. But he wanted to write them down somewhere, just to get them out of his mind. They sat in his drafts in the notes app on his phone. Grabbing the boxed wine from the fridge, Louis trudged into his room the night after seeing Harry and sat on his bed, reading over Harry’s texts once more before opening his notes. 

_i think a part of me will always wait for you_

_hope you never regretted me_

_you made me so happy, i hope you know that_

_my heart aches for you all the time_

_miss your hands on me, miss your mouth even more_

_i’m sorry_

»«

Louis pocketed his phone just as it vibrated, groaning as he turned to his apartment door and locked it behind him, running to catch up with Niall by the lifts. Zayn was with them, wearing a _fucking suit_ since he had to head to work while they went to class. Louis’ phone vibrated again when he reached them. Thankfully, the lift arrived and he was able to walk inside instead of fishing for his phone to see texts that would only make him hurt. 

“You going to get that?” Zayn asked, leaning back against the lift wall, pressing the button to go down to the ground level. 

“It’s Harry,” he told him.

“He’s been texting you?” Niall asked.

Louis nodded. “Every day,” he said before taking out his phone. He wasn’t going to be able to ignore it for long. 

**_8:35 AM:_ ** _You always do this._

 **_8:35 AM:_ ** _Please don’t this time._

There was a dull ache in his heart now and Louis gulped, feeling his throat drying up. His friends looked at him, both looking wary as they watched him. 

“It’s hard,” Louis admitted. “Too much happened for me to just text him like it didn’t. I can’t talk to him like everything’s fucking fine and dandy. I can’t go back there. I can’t do it again.”

And they left it at that. 

»«

“That concludes our lecture for today. Hope you all have a great weekend.”

Professor Keller dismissed them with a friendly smile as he proceeded to grab his own things to head out for the day. Louis stood up and quickly stretched his limbs before putting his notebook and pen away in his book bag. It was Friday, meaning he had to get a move on if he wanted to make his work shift in time. Bypassing the slower students who were walking out of the building, Louis sped through the halls and out the main doors. 

His feet halted as soon as he saw Harry standing under a big oak tree in front of the lecture hall. Louis stood there for a moment, staring at Harry, who had his eyes trained on Louis as though he was watching the doors, waiting to catch him the second he walked out. He looked a bit cold, wearing a denim jacket with flowers stitched on them and tight, black jeans. Even from a distance, he looked pretty, his ivory skin, ruby, red lips, and dark curly hair. 

Slowly, Louis descended the steps of the building, and Harry met him halfway, his hands stuffed inside his jacket pocket. 

“What are you doing here?” Louis asked him. 

“Came to see you,” Harry responded, looking a little nervous, his green eyes darting around Louis’ face, probably trying to figure out if he was pissed or not. “You weren’t answering your texts. And I even called a few times. Either you changed your number and lied to me about it, or you didn’t change it and you’re just ignoring me.”

Louis gulped, running a tired hand through his hair. “I didn’t lie to you.”

“So you’re just ignoring me then,” Harry concluded, his expression hurt. “Can I ask why? I mean ̶ I don’t know. Can we talk about it?”

“I have to go to work and I have, like, only a few minutes to grab food and go there. So if you want to talk you’ll have to walk with me.”

“Yeah, okay, sure.” Harry nodded his head several times as he followed Louis who speed walked to the cafe. He was already behind schedule. When they got to the cafe, Louis ordered his usual and asked Harry if he’d like anything. Harry shook his head no and just watched as Louis went about his usual order of business with careful eyes like he was studying him. 

It was halfway through the walk to work as Louis ate that Harry finally spoke up. “You shouldn’t eat and walk at the same time,” Harry told him. “You could choke.”

“I have to. Shift starts in three minutes.”

“But still,” Harry trailed off, looking at him, brows furrowed in concern. 

“You told me you wanted to talk. You haven’t said anything,” Louis pointed out. 

“I figure you already know what it is that I want to say.”

“How about we start with how you found out where my class was and when I would be getting out.”

Harry looked sheepish, smiling at the ground. “I asked Niall. But don’t be mad at him! I begged and pushed him until he had no choice but to tell me.”

“Alright, fair enough.”

“I just had to see you, Louis. I couldn’t...I couldn’t do the texts anymore. I don’t think you understand.”

Louis glanced at Harry, arching an eyebrow at him. He understood perfectly fine. He knew what it was like to miss someone and want them back. Harry seemed to realize that and he thought over his words before continuing. 

“I know that I might not have any right to say this, but I really don’t want to let you go now that I’ve found you again, Louis,” Harry admitted. “I ̶ I know that when I first left town, I wasn’t keeping in touch, but I did try to message you when I was coming back for the summer. By the time I did, you were gone and no one would tell me where you went. It was driving me a little crazy because I realized I might never see you again. 

“I reached out so many times over the years and it was heartbreaking every time to see that there were no responses back. I wasn’t sure at that point what was happening. If your number changed, or if you just weren’t answering. But when I saw you at the bar last weekend, it was like all my prayers and dreams had come true. I _finally_ found you again. And you said you’d text me back, so I believed you. If I’d known you weren’t going to keep your word I would have dropped everything to stay longer just to hold on to you long enough to talk to you.”

“But what do you even want to talk about?” Louis asked him. They’d arrived at Coffee Bean and Louis could see Niall standing behind the counter, engrossed in his phone. There was only one customer inside so Louis decided he could be a little late. 

Harry looked a bit frazzled like he wasn’t sure how to answer the question. He threw his hands up in defeat. “I don’t know, Louis. I just ̶ I want to fucking talk to you about everything. Life, what we’ve been doing, school, work, family, friends. I don’t know. I just want to talk to _you_. Is that so hard to get? Like, why do I need to have something specific to talk to you about?”

Louis’ heart rate picked up as he tried to decipher Harry’s words. The meaning behind them. 

“I just want you back in my life,” he said, voice quieter this time. “Please.”

Harry’s eyes were glassy like he was two seconds away from crying and begging on his knees for Louis to say yes. What could Louis even say? How was he going to stride into Harry’s life again, and Harry in his, after everything that happened? Could they act like they didn’t love each other to death? Like they didn’t break each other’s hearts? 

It seemed far-fetched and optimistic to think this could work. But how was Louis meant to say no to _Harry_? Harry stood there in front of him, asking for Louis to be back in his life, and for a long time, even now, this was exactly what Louis wanted. So how could he say no?

»«

It was a little strange seeing Harry sit in Coffee Bean while Louis worked his shift. Louis had obviously said yes to Harry’s request. He’d never been able to tell Harry no and today was no exception. Plus, it wasn’t like it was one-sided. Louis would get to have Harry back in his life as well, but he wasn’t allowing himself to think too deeply about what the downfall could be. 

After agreeing, Harry offered to sit in the coffee shop while Louis worked so they could grab dinner afterward. Louis told him it wasn’t necessary and he’d be happy to meet Harry when his shift was done, but Harry insisted, asking Louis for a coffee before holding his court at the corner table. That was four hours ago and Harry had drank two cups so far, playing on his phone, and occasionally looking up at Louis. Louis, for the most part, kept getting startled at seeing Harry. He would be serving a customer, momentarily forgetting that his ex-boyfriend and love of his life was sitting right there, and when he looked up, his heart would expand in his chest. He still couldn’t believe it. 

A part of Louis wondered if Harry was sitting there to make sure Louis couldn’t run from him anymore. If he was literally keeping watch and being there in case Louis changed his mind again. It was a bit nuts and Louis wasn’t going to call Harry out on it. 

The night shift went to a guy named Greg who worked till midnight when they closed. Once he came in, Louis gathered his things and walked over to Harry. 

“Hi,” Harry greeted, his smile warm. If it were anyone else, they’d be a little pissy because having to wait four hours for someone to finish up work couldn’t have been easy. And yet, Harry was always patient and kind, and Louis couldn’t help but smile back. Maybe not everything about him changed. 

“Hi. I’m ready to go if you are,” he said. 

“Yeah, I’m ready,” Harry said, standing up. “You think we can take the food back to your place? I kind of need a phone charger.”

“Oh, you do?” Louis laughed. “Surprising. I wonder why.”

“Four hours of constant use can do that,” Harry grinned, following Louis out of the shop and into the night. They walked toward Louis’ apartment, which was only a few minutes away. Louis suggested they get Thai food from around the corner and Harry was down. Between the two, they ordered an appetizer, and three entrees to share. 

It was a little strange walking up the stairs and opening the door with Harry following close behind. Every moment with him felt surreal like Louis still couldn’t believe he was here and he was back. When they walked in, Harry looked around, observing everything, and commenting on how nice it was. 

“Have you guys always lived here?” Harry asked once they were sitting on the couch with the food spread out on the coffee table in front of them. 

Louis nodded through a mouthful of a spring roll. “It’s near school, so Niall and I didn’t want to lose that.”

Harry looked a little bashful as he scooped a spoon full of rice. “Can you tell me about that? I want to know how you got here and what it’s been like. I want to know everything, really.”

“Yeah,” Louis laughed breathily. “Sure. Um, it’s not a huge story or anything. The summer after you left, Niall and I’d been talking a bit about moving out. He was bored. Like he couldn’t find a job he liked and he didn’t know what he wanted to go to school for. We just weren’t sure where to go or what to do. Al actually told me about trade school and how I should look into it.”

“I saw him when I went back home a few times,” Harry said, voice quiet. “I always asked about you, but he wouldn’t give me any concrete answers.”

Al wasn’t picking sides, Louis hoped. He knew of their past since he lived in the town and everyone knew about them. They never tried to hide their relationship. And so, Al was there for the aftermath of Harry leaving and the spiral that Louis went down. It was a big reason why he told Louis to look at his options. He liked the extra help Louis provided, but he also wanted the best for him. 

“Not sure why,” Louis settled on saying. 

“He was the only one I was brave enough to ask. I was too scared to ask your family. How are they, by the way? Are they okay with you being out here?”

“They’re good. I talk to them every weekend, and they were supportive of my move. My mom was excited I was choosing to continue studying, and she was supportive of me picking something I was interested in and would stick with.”

“ _What_ did you end up choosing?” 

“Well, I looked into trade schools mostly in California. Now that I’m closer with my family I didn’t want to be too far from them if that makes sense,” Louis said, which Harry nodded to. “Did some research on Los Angeles Trade Technical School and I liked their Business and Management program so I applied for it. Niall, meanwhile, was looking as well and he decided he wanted to do Computer Information Systems. Something about wanting to learn how to hack into computers. Then weirdly enough, we got in, and it was just go, go, go. Felt like I blinked and we’d moved.”

Harry’s beaming by the end of Louis’ answer, pride, and admiration on his face. “And do you like it? Do you like LA?”

“Yeah,” Louis chuckled, a little shy. “It’s been different being out here than what I’m used to. I like it, though. I don’t remember ever being this busy, or actually caring about what I’m doing. It’s been a steady stream of school and working at the coffee shop. The boys like going out here and there for a drink, but that’s the extent of my social life.”

“You don’t like going out?” Harry asked, eyes curious. 

“Not really,” Louis confessed. “I feel tired most days from my routine. When I get a day off, going out is the last thing I want to do.”

“Wow.”

“Shut up,” Louis groaned, shoving at Harry who nearly dropped his plate of noodles. 

“Hey,” he laughed. “Stop. You can’t blame me for being shocked.”

“You’re not allowed to make fun of me.”

“I’m not, I swear,” he giggled. “It’s just a bit funny how the resident bad boy who loved a drink and a joint wants to give up nights out so he can ̶ what? What’s your ideal day off?”

“If I tell you, then you can’t laugh or make fun of me,” Louis warned. 

“I swear on my life.”

“I like getting endless snacks, putting on mindless television, and working on my assignments so I’m ahead of my classes and don’t have to worry about it later.”

Harry blinked, eyes wide, and Louis just continued to eat, putting more food on his plate and letting Harry digest the answer. Eventually, when he recovered from his mild shock, he smiled softly. “Not being sarcastic or anything, but I think that’s great. Everything you’ve told me. You’ve no idea how happy I am that you’re doing well.”

Louis smiled softly, staring down at his food. “Thanks.”

They sat there silently, focused on eating. Louis wondered where Niall was and if he was going to be coming home. Then he realized he never asked about Harry and what he’d been up to. 

“What about you, then?” he said. “How was college?”

Harry picked at his food for a bit, separating his spicy chicken and noodles. “College was hard. The workload was a bit difficult to manage at times. I ended up choosing to study finance and accounting, which was mostly because my dad kept telling me it would be good for me down the line when I take over the diner. It wasn’t bad, per se, just wasn’t completely into it. Also, socially, it was a whole new crowd of people that I had to get to know. That was a little hard since I was so used to knowing everyone since I was born. There were a lot of days where I felt homesick and sad, but I made it through.”

“You did,” Louis said, looking Harry in the eye. “And you should be so proud. I know we all expected you to because you’ve always been incredible, but you pulled through despite it being a bit hard.”

Harry watched him with a smile. “Thank you, Lou. When I was getting ready for graduation, I decided last minute I didn’t want to move back home just yet. Home started feeling more and more like a routine I wasn’t ready to settle back into. So, like you, I chose LA since it is close to home.”

“And now we’re here,” Louis snorted. 

“Now we’re here,” Harry repeated. “You know, when I saw you that night at the bar and I went home, I kept having to pinch myself to see if I was dreaming. I couldn’t sleep that whole night.”

Louis bit his lip, feeling his stomach flutter at Harry’s words. 

“I won’t ask you why you never texted me back. I mean, to an extent I get it. I probably deserve it.”

“No,” Louis shook his head. “It’s not that you deserve it, Harry. It’s not to spite you.”

“Okay, well, I won’t ask. I just...this was nice, right? Talking?”

“Yeah, it was.”

“I miss my best friend, Louis,” Harry whispered. 

“I miss mine, too,” Louis whispered back. 

Maybe it was simple. Maybe Louis didn’t have to overthink it and let himself go crazy over having Harry back in his life. It could be fine. Harry’s persistence and eagerness in having him was surely a big part of it, and something that did a lot for his heart. He almost felt overwhelmed by the attention and the want, much like back in the day. 

They finish dinner, leaving the containers in the bag under the coffee table, continuing to talk about everything that came to mind. Jay getting remarried and having another set of twins, Gemma’s engagement, that high school classmate of theirs that got famous through a reality show. Anything and everything. The hours whizzed by and somehow they ended up lying down on the couch, side by side. It wasn’t weird, and they fit together so well still. 

Louis could see Harry was fighting sleep, but he kept asking questions, filling in the blanks. Catching up on four years took a while. Eventually, Harry’s breath evened out and his eyes drifted close, one of his hands laying over his chest, his head turned toward Louis’. Louis laid there, studying him, and how beautiful he was. Harry was always going to be beautiful, he thought. And he knew deep down that his heart still beats for Harry, that he loved him something so terrible, and those two things would never change. 

This could go so many ways. This could be so detrimental to everything Louis worked on for four years. But as he looked at Harry, thinking about how much he still loved him, he knew that he would do anything for him, anything that he asked or wanted. 

»«

The first thing Louis saw when he woke up was a blurry figure hovering over him. Louis rubbed his eyes and the figure became a lot clearer. It was Niall, his arms crossed over his chest as he assessed Louis with an arched eyebrow. Still bleary and sleepy, Louis registered the body beside him and the face tucked into the crook of his neck. A warm puff of air hit Louis’ skin and he nearly melted further into the couch. 

Harry didn’t end up going home last night. Louis didn’t have the heart to wake him up and he also lacked the self-control to go to his bedroom, instead tucking himself against the couch. Over the course of the night, Harry wrapped an arm around him, their bodies fitting snugly around each other. 

“You look cozy,” Niall commented. 

“Shut up,” Louis said, his voice scratchy. He needed water, coffee, and maybe some eggs. Slowly, he lifted Harry’s arm off of him and crawled out of the space between his body and the back of the couch. Niall followed Louis into the kitchen, probably hoping for the tea on what he’d just walked in on. “When did you get back last night?”

“Late,” Niall replied, leaning back against one of the counters. “Went straight to bed. Didn’t see you two.”

“He was over for dinner and we were talking and catching up. Just fell asleep.”

“And nothing else happened?”

Louis _wished_. Scoffing, he shook his head. “Just catching up. I promise.”

Niall relented, for the time being, and got started on the coffee while Louis started on the eggs and toast. By the time he was finishing up cooking, Harry walked into the kitchen, his face puffy and hair wild. He had a hand scratching over his stomach lazily while the other covered his mouth over a yawn. 

“Good morning,” he rasped, smiling at Louis. 

“Good morning,” Louis smiled back, pushing Harry’s fixed plate on the counter toward him. Harry walked toward him, his eyes fixed on Louis as he took the plate. 

“Thank you. You’re so sweet. I didn’t know you could cook anything.”

“When you’re living on your own, survival instincts just sort of kick in, I guess. Plus, they might suck.”

“Of course they don’t,” Harry shook his head, taking a bite. “These are the best scrambled eggs I’ve ever had.”

“Alright, enough of that bullshit,” Louis blushed, taking his own bite. “Did you sleep well? I hope your back doesn’t hurt.”

“I’m fine,” Harry replied. “Thanks for letting me stay over.”

“Anytime.”

Niall suddenly cleared his throat and they both snapped their heads toward him. “Good morning to you, too, Harry.”

“Oh shit, I’m sorry, Niall. That was rude of me,” Harry said, flustered. 

“It’s okay. Not like this is any different than what it used to be like with the two of you,” he said, giving them a coy smile. 

Louis fixed Niall with a glare. That boy had no filter sometimes. Louis quickly distracted Harry by pouring him some coffee. It felt a little domestic and familiar, so maybe Niall wasn’t spewing _complete_ bullshit. 

“Got any plans this weekend, Harry?” Niall asked once he placed his empty plate in the sink.

“I do, yeah,” he replied. “I’ve got to go clean my apartment and meet some work people for dinner tonight. And then my sister’s coming down to see me tomorrow for brunch. Hopefully, after that, I can stay home and soak it all in before getting back into work mode for Monday.”

“Nice, nice,” Niall said. “We should all go out to drink sometime.” 

“Yeah,” Harry nodded eagerly, eyes bright. “That’s a great idea. What do you think, Louis?”

Louis, who was sipping his coffee quietly, looked at Harry over the rim of his cup. “I think that would be fun.”

“Let me know when it works for you guys. I can also bring Liam.”

“Does he live here as well?” Niall asked. 

“Yeah, he does. Found a great job in some corporate company. I don’t see him as much as I’d like to so this will be a great opportunity to bring everyone together and catch up with him.”

They promised to text each other to confirm a date and time while Harry gathered his things and headed for the door to leave. Louis walked him out and opened the door for Harry while he put his shoes on. He smiled up at Louis once he was all set to go, then pulled him into a hug, which made Louis putty in his arms. 

“Let’s do this again soon? Please?” Harry whispered to him. 

“Yeah, soon,” Louis murmured, holding him a little tighter. 

»«

A few nights later while having dinner with Zayn and Niall at Zayn’s place, Louis got a text from Harry with a suggestion for a bar they could go to that Saturday night in downtown LA. He put a smiley face at the end of the text followed by how he couldn’t wait to see Louis again. Louis smiled to himself and closed his phone, getting back to the pasta on his plate. 

“Was that Harry?” Zayn asked, glancing at him from the corner of his eye. 

“Were you looking over my shoulder?” Louis snorted, elbowing him. 

“I wasn’t, but the smile on your face sort of made it obvious.”

“You should have seen them that day, Z. All over each other on the couch, had eyes for no one but each other. It was like I was intruding upon their space in my _own_ apartment,” Niall piped in unhelpfully. 

The boys shared a knowing look between themselves and Louis opted to ignore them. A part of him felt smug having Harry in his life again, sharing these little moments with him. Another part of him was still not willing to fully accept that it was actually happening. He got up to put his empty plate in the sink, grabbing a can of Coke on the way back before taking a seat again. They had _White Chicks_ playing on the TV and they were nearly through with the movie. Louis contemplated whether they should just stay over or make the trip home. 

“So, we haven’t really talked about this,” Zayn said, putting his plate on the table. “Are you guys, like, back together?”

“No,” Louis quickly shook his head, laughing softly. “No, we are not.”

“Is that something that you just didn’t discuss yet, or…,” Niall trailed off, arching an eyebrow at him. 

Louis shrugged, feeling put on the spot by their questions. “I don’t even know. It’s not something that came up. For now, it feels like he’s just trying to be my friend. And truthfully speaking, I never thought I could just be Harry’s friend. There’s too much history for that, but he’s been really persistent. I can’t say no to him.”

The mood in the room shifted to his words, his friends looking concerned, and frankly, a little sad. Louis admitted a lot more than he was intending to, but it was like word vomit. He wasn’t thinking about what his and Harry’s relationship was now. They only saw each other twice and both times felt like a weird mix between old friends catching up and sharing stories on what they’d missed, but also ex-lovers who were comfortable around each other with the attraction still there. Louis was taking it day by day. Even he wasn’t sure what he’d do if Harry wanted to get back together. 

“I mean, it’s fine,” he eventually said to Zayn and Niall. “I like how things are right now. I think we’re okay. I’m looking forward to spending more time with him.”

“If that’s how you feel then that’s all that matters,” Niall said to him. 

»«

There was electricity in the air when Louis entered the bar. He felt it down to his fingertips, anticipation building up inside of him as they walked further inside and closer to Harry, who’d texted saying that he was already there. It’d been a grueling week with two big exams and a paper due all at once. Louis got through them and he was going to reward himself with some drinks and well-deserved time off with his friends, which also included Harry now. As they walked through the crowd, Louis considered calling Harry to see where he was. It was packed and Louis didn’t know how long they were going to have to keep looking. 

Zayn, who was leading the way, didn’t seem to be in a hurry. “Can you walk faster?” Louis asked him. 

Shooting him a look, Zayn snorted. “I’m looking for him. Relax.”

They maneuvered through bodies, got shoved a few times, and then finally arrived at a spot where it was a bit less crowded. Niall poked Louis on the back, grabbing his attention. 

“I think I see Liam,” Niall said into his ear over the music. 

Louis looked in the direction Niall was looking in and sure enough, there was Liam. He’d gotten bulkier since Louis last saw him before he left for college. Strong muscles on his arms, a slick haircut, and a white t-shirt on top, Liam kind of looked _cool._ Louis couldn’t help but laugh. Who would have thought?

They started walking toward him and as they did, Louis spotted Harry walking over to Liam from a side hallway. Louis’ heart soared at the sight of him, a smile breaking out on his face. Harry looked so good and Louis wanted to be close to him already, excited to see where they’d end up at the end of the night with a bit of liquid courage. He started moving faster, stepping around Zayn and Niall only to falter when he caught sight of a guy appearing behind Harry and wrapping his arms around Harry’s waist and placing them right over his stomach. 

He was about the same height as Harry, able to fit his head over Harry’s left shoulder and whisper something to him in his ear. From here, Louis could see his dark hair, light eyes, and big smile. He was cute and looked harmless, except for the fact that he had his grubby hands all over Louis’ boy. Louis wanted to throw up and scream and cry and light something on fire all at once. 

Harry looked at ease with him, allowing this man to be all over him while they talked with Liam, even going as far as putting his own hand over his. Louis’ eyes zeroed in on every point of contact between them, his heart burning at the sight. He nearly turned around, grabbed his friends, and left but then Harry looked over, noticing them for the first time. His eyes lit up and he disentangled himself from the guy, running over to them. 

“Hi,” he smiled at Louis. “You made it.”

“Yeah,” Louis replied, a bit choked up. Maybe the guy was just a good friend. Friends could be handsy sometimes. This could be completely platonic. Maybe that was why Harry seemed so calm. Could he really bring Louis and his current boyfriend to the same place? _Unlikely_. There was nothing for Louis to be worried about. Everything was just blurry between them right now. He was overreacting. 

Zayn and Niall took turns greeting Harry before Harry led them over to Liam and the other guy. They weren’t really ever friends with Liam, but it wasn’t awkward as they all shook hands with him. Liam seemed a lot more chilled out than the last time they’d seen him. 

“Oh, and um, this is Brayden,” Harry introduced, smiling tightly as the guy beside him reached over to shake their hands. Louis gave him a forced smile as he greeted him. 

“Nice to meet you all,” Brayden said. “I’m Harry’s boyfriend.”

Louis sucked in a breath, struggling to remain composed. No one really said anything to Brayden’s introduction and he was glad he had friends who knew how to not be obvious. Louis headed for the bar, needing a drink right away while the boys caught up with Liam. When Louis got to the bar, he ordered himself a whiskey sour and waited while the bartender made his drink. His hands were shaking and he couldn’t stand still. This was hard and he should have known that it would be. 

Seeing Harry that first night and talking to him was one thing, but letting him back into Louis’ life and making plans like this where they merged their lives together again...Louis should have known that certain things would upset him. Of course, Harry was dating someone. Harry was a catch and then some. He was smart, unbearably handsome, and so fucking kind. The world wouldn’t make sense if someone like Harry was single because he deserved to be loved and cherished always. 

There was a part of Louis that knew something like this would happen. One day, Harry was going to have his happily ever after. Once upon a time, Louis thought it would be with him but he was wrong. Harry was definitely going to have his happily ever after, but it wouldn’t be with him. Louis just never let himself think about that for too long. It hurt too much. So he chose to live life knowing it was a possibility, but one he wouldn't ever have to face. Until now. 

It was ripping Louis’ insides to shreds and he couldn’t react because he didn’t know how to. There was so much going on in his head. He had no claim over Harry and he had no place to do something drastic. It pained him to even think about Harry loving someone else. He had always been Louis’ and to see another guy just call himself Harry’s boyfriend was sickening. Louis never called himself Harry’s boyfriend. They were more than that. He called Harry his everything and nothing had changed. Harry was still his everything.

God, he was being so embarrassing hiding away like this. He did not walk into tonight thinking it would go this way. Where was Harry’s warning? He never mentioned having a boyfriend. He owed Louis this much no matter how long they’d been broken up. Louis glared over at where the group was. He noticed that Niall, Zayn, and Liam were deep in conversation still catching up. Brayden was beside them whispering something into Harry’s ear, who looked quite distracted, his eyes glancing around the room like he was searching for something or someone. 

Fuck him, Louis thought. Fuck this whole night. There was no way in hell he was going to make small talk with Harry’s new boyfriend. Not when he wasn’t even given a courtesy warning. Louis pushed past people until he got to the door. He stopped for a moment, wondering if he should turn back and be a mature adult about this. 

But then he remembered the way Brayden fit himself against Harry, his hands all over him, and that was it. Louis was done and he quickly opened the door of the bar and walked out, heading straight for his apartment where he planned to drink and hopefully forget that any of this happened. 

_»«_

**_11:31 PM:_ ** _I think we should talk. I have to explain._

 **_2:01 AM:_ ** _I’m really sorry, Lou._

 **_7:59 AM:_ ** _Are you up?_

With a sad bop playlist playing on his Spotify, Louis worked his way through the apartment, doing laundry, taking inventory of the food they had in the pantry and fridge, writing a grocery list for when they go shopping, and cleaning up all the mess they’d made over the week. It made him feel like he was cleansing the bad vibes from last night and getting his shit together. He’d thought it would help, but he was still upset, and belting Adele from the top of his lungs wasn’t helping. Maybe some angry Green Day would be better. 

Thankfully, Niall wasn’t home. He had plans with some classmates and left Louis alone to deal with his stuff before they spoke about it. Last night didn’t go as expected at all and Louis was hoping that a few hours of Sunday cleaning would hopefully get him back on track. As he swept the kitchen, he heard the doorbell ring. He placed the broom against the counter, humming along to the current song, and made his way over to the door. 

When he opened it, he found himself face to face with Harry, who looked scared and a bit pale for someone who lived in Los Angeles now. Louis let out a soft breath, leaning against the doorframe while Harry stood awkwardly outside. 

“You weren’t answering your texts,” Harry said in lieu of a greeting. 

“Okay…” 

“Louis, I - I’m sorry.”

Louis crossed his arms over his chest. “For what exactly?”

Harry’s eyes were pained and fearful like he was scared of saying the wrong thing lest he ruin it all. Louis felt bad. He could see how this was affecting him, but he also couldn’t let it go. He was hurt from last night in a way that he hadn’t been in a long time. It pissed him off more than anything because he’d been doing just fine for a long time until Harry literally bumped back into his life. He didn’t want to have to go through this heartbreak all over again. 

“You know.”

Louis frowned. “Is that _all_ you have to say?”

Harry shook his head. “No, I just don’t know how to even begin.”

“Why don’t you start with why you didn’t tell me you had a _fucking boyfriend,_ Harry?” Louis snapped, raising his voice. “That was fucked up. I don’t care how long ago we were together. I should have known before being invited to a night out and being ambushed like that with something that I hope you know upset me _very_ much.”

“I’m sorry, I’m _so_ sorry,” Harry pleaded, his eyes going glassy with unshed tears. 

“That’s not enough,” Louis stepped back while Harry took a step forward. “Why didn’t you tell me? What did you think was going to happen? I should have known. I didn’t deserve that.”

“You didn’t,” Harry agreed, shaking his head. “You absolutely didn’t. I’m a coward and I should have told you.”

“But you didn’t and I feel so stupid for it.”

“Please don’t. You’re not stupid at all.”

“How would you feel if I did that to you? If I invited you out and came with a boyfriend that you knew nothing about?” 

Harry clenched his jaw, his expression hardening, and Louis nearly laughed in his face. He had a boyfriend, and yet, he was reacting this way to the thought of Louis with someone else. “I would be upset. Your reaction is justified, Louis. I fucked up.” 

Louis took a deep breath, turning around to go back inside. He heard Harry close the door behind him. So they were doing this. Harry was really intent on keeping things going between them even after Louis just up and walked out yesterday and admitted to being jealous. God, this was so weird. Louis went to the living room where he curled up on the corner of the three-seater while Harry sat on the other end. 

“I wish that…,” Harry began, his words trailing off. “I wish you would have just called me out on it last night instead of just leaving. I was really scared.” 

“Scared about what?”

“I don’t know. You not talking to me again.”

Shaking his head, Louis sat up straighter before looking at Harry, his brows furrowed. “I need you to stop blaming me for not talking to you, Harry. You broke up with me and you left town and then you didn’t reach out. It wasn’t all me.”

“I know, I’m sorry. I didn’t mean it like that. I just,” Harry groaned. “I just got you back. I cannot lose you again.” 

“Is that why you didn’t tell me about Brayden? Because you thought that I wouldn’t talk to you anymore?”

Harry shrugged. “A little bit. I also...as horrible as this sounds...forgot? It just didn’t occur to me. I was so happy to just talk to you about everything. That bit just slipped away.”

That...was interesting. Harry forgot about his boyfriend in the excitement of seeing Louis again. Louis didn’t want to dig too deep into what it might mean, but the implication seemed to be there. 

“Regardless, I should have told you. I fucked up and I’m really sorry. I can tell you right now,” Harry offered. “There’s not a lot to it. Brayden and I are co-workers. He works for a different department, though. We met at the Christmas party and he just sort of snuck up on me. Was really adamant on getting to know me and going out and I --”

“Harry,” Louis cut him off, his eyes squeezed shut. 

“Yes?”

“I didn’t ask for details on how this guy wooed you, okay?”

When Louis opened his eyes again, Harry was staring at him intently, his lips parted. Louis stared back, maintaining eye contact because he knew what he said and the implication, once again, was there. He almost laughed thinking about the whole thing. Harry forgot he had a boyfriend and Louis admitted to being jealous. 

This couldn’t get any messier and yet, Louis felt himself giving in once again.

»«

It started to feel like Harry was everywhere after that. 

He was at Louis’ apartment every Saturday night for movies and dinner, often staying late enough to end up sleeping on his couch before making breakfast for them on Sunday morning. He was there at Louis’ school every Friday to see him after class and walk him to work. And he was there at Louis’ job, showing up at least twice on the weekdays with the excuse of needing coffee even though he didn’t live near there and he usually stayed long enough to have several conversations with Louis about everything and anything. 

Harry was everywhere, especially in Louis’ heart. 

Louis knew what he was doing and he was well aware of the damage it could do to his heart, but he was weak. He would be lying if he said that the attention Harry was giving him wasn’t doing something for him, that it wasn’t awakening the butterflies in his stomach that had been sleeping all this time. He also really didn’t have an explanation for what this was. He wasn’t sure if he would define himself as Harry’s friend because he knew deep down that he could never be just friends with Harry. However, that Brayden guy was still in the picture as far as Louis knew. Not that Harry ever brought him up. 

The whole thing was slightly confusing and blurry between them, but Louis was just going to roll with it. This felt good and it felt really right. 

It was a bright, sunny Wednesday afternoon and Harry was helping Louis study for his upcoming final at the coffee shop. Louis was on his break and Harry had come in asking for coffee before sitting down and making flashcards for Louis to quiz him. 

“I was thinking that I could make you dinner this weekend,” Harry said in the midst of switching the card in front of him. 

“Dinner?”

“Yeah,” Harry said, his tone nonchalant. “You’ve done really well this semester and you worked hard so this will be sort of like a celebratory dinner. Would that be okay?”

Harry was biting his lip hard, turning them a deep cherry red, one of his nervous habits. Louis laughed softly. “I guess so. I don’t think you’ve ever cooked me dinner.”

“That’s a lie,” Harry shot back. “That one time my parents were out of town, I’d made you a whole spread.”

“If I remember correctly, you made mac & cheese with chicken nuggets and store-bought salad.”

“It was the best dinner of your life and I won’t hear anything else about it.”

Louis laughed, flushing at the memory of that night. He and Harry were feeling super domestic what with the cooking, cleaning up together, and just having the whole house to themselves. They’d had sex quite a lot those three days Harry’s parents were away. Harry had somehow convinced Gemma to go sleep over at her friend’s house and it was perfect. They were perfect. When Louis glanced at Harry, he saw him blushing too, a shy smile on his face like he was playing back the same memories in his head. 

“That would be nice, Harry,” he said in response to Harry’s question. 

Harry smiled brightly, his face lighting up. “Great! Can we do it at mine? I figured we could change up the location since we’re always at your place.”

“Sure,” Louis nodded. 

He briefly wondered if this was a date. It sounded like one, but then Louis remembered Brayden and he brought himself back to reality. Harry continued to quiz him until they’d gone through the deck twice. When it came time for Louis to get back to work, Harry started to gather his things. 

“Do you still want that coffee?” Louis asked. 

Harry looked confused for a split second before quickly nodding. “Yes, yeah. Coffee. For sure.”

Louis snickered under his breath. God, Harry was never good at making excuses or lying for that matter. Guess that hasn't changed. Louis went around behind the counter where he made Harry’s coffee and then came back to the table to bring it over personally. Harry took it from him, thanking him as he placed it on the table. Louis stepped back, about to walk behind the counter again when Harry pulled him into a hug that he immediately melted into. Harry felt warm and cozy and Louis was having a tough time letting go. With how long they held on, Louis supposed Harry did too. 

When Harry finally let go, he gave Louis a private smile, whispering, “See you on Saturday.”

“See you,” Louis whispered back, his breath getting caught in his throat. 

»«

Despite his minimal cooking skills back in the day, Louis knew Harry was a fan of cooking. However, Louis wasn’t expecting the spread that was waiting for him when he got to Harry’s apartment that Saturday night. Roasted, garlic-seasoned vegetables, chicken cutlets, pasta with alfredo sauce, and mashed potatoes. There was even a chocolate cake cooling for dessert. Louis admired the dishes spread out on Harry’s kitchen counter and didn’t know what to do with how overwhelmed he felt. He hadn’t had a proper home-cooked meal in so long. Not since he went back to see his mom last time. 

“I don’t know what to say,” Louis settled on. 

“You don’t have to say anything. I like cooking, you know that,” Harry smiled. 

“But this is so much. Thank you, Harry,” Louis said, looking up at him. 

Harry preened, his smile so big his cheeks looked like they were going to burst. “Can I prepare you a plate?”

“How about I do that? You’ve done so much. Go sit.” Louis shooed Harry away. Harry laughed, leaving after showing Louis where the plates were. Harry lived in a quaint little apartment. He had a kitchen, bathroom, bedroom, and a living room that also housed the small dining table with two chairs. It was neat and well decorated, which made the space look more adorable than tiny. 

Louis piled two plates high with food before taking it to the table. He saw Harry had lit up a candle for them, a nice floral scent wafting from the center of the table. This definitely felt like a date, but Louis was trying desperately not to read into things. Louis handed Harry his plate and they dug in right away, both hungry after a long day. While eating, Louis made a show of moaning and savoring each bite, making Harry giggle and turn red from his reactions. “I’m glad you like it,” he said. 

“I _love_ it,” Louis replied.

“Well, it’s what you deserve after how hard you worked this semester. I’m happy to have been there with you through some of it. It was nice to see you so dedicated. Made me really proud,” Harry said to him, reaching over to touch his hand lightly. 

Louis felt his cheeks flush, murmuring thank you to Harry. Mid-meal, Harry got up and poured them both glasses of wine, another part of the celebration. By the end of the meal, their glasses were empty, so Harry poured them another and they settled on the couch, legs tangled while they drank and ate cake. When Louis looked down, he couldn’t tell which were his legs and which were Harry’s. 

“Do you remember all the times we got drunk when we were younger?” Harry asked. “I think I was the most lightweight of all of us. I’d have one beer and that was it.” 

Louis laughed, resting his head on the backrest of the couch. “I do remember. There was that one party where I think it might have been your first time and you were throwing up in the bushes in front of your house. I was drunk myself and was trying to hold your hair back, but it got so messy after a while.”

“I got grounded for so long after that night,” Harry said, laughing mid-sip. “Mom woke up and went out to the front yard to garden and she thought she smelled something awful. Found my puke and freaked out.”

The two of them burst into laughter, faces turning red. It was easy reminiscing with Harry. They spent so many years together, all their memories intertwined, and it was nice to look back and feel nostalgic. 

They talked about their old teachers, the ones who hated Louis and told him how he’d never amount to anything, and Harry gloated about how they should see him now. They talked about the summers spent by the ravine, the autumns when they’d drive Harry’s car after school to wherever they pleased while singing at the top of their lungs, the winters where they’d get cozy under blankets and cuddled for hours, and the springs that felt new and full of possibilities while being so in love. They also spoke of Louis’ amateur drug dealing, which he’d never fully come clean to Harry about until now. 

“I sort of had a feeling,” Harry said. “I just wanted you to tell me yourself.”

“Didn’t have the guts to,” Louis admitted. “I always thought that you were too good for me and the second I told you something like that, you’d leave me.”

Harry frowned, shaking his head fiercely. “You always said that. I never liked it because it’s not true at all, Lou.”

His lips were wine red and Louis wanted to bite them and kiss them and lick them. Even this many years later, Louis still remembered how drunk he’d feel after kissing Harry. He could never explain that chemistry and connection. He was craving that feeling right now, and a lot of it had to do with how they’d finished a bottle of wine together in one sitting. Louis felt drunk but in a nice way. Their words were coming out slower and they were relaxed, comfortable in each other's company. 

“I don’t want you to think I ever thought I was too good for you,” Harry continued. “In what way? Because I followed the basic rules and got good grades?”

“No, because you were kinder.”

“You had a really tough childhood, Louis. You acted out because of it. Not because you’re a bad person.”

Louis let out a small laugh as he exhaled. “Well, it’s not like you’d ever say anything bad about me.”

“I wouldn’t,” Harry said firmly, his gaze hard on Louis. “I would never say anything bad about you. God, but I did, didn’t I? Remember how often we’d fight?”

Louis couldn’t help but snort. “Yes, I do. We fought quite a bit.”

Harry looked thoughtful, his eyes glazy. “It never felt like it mattered, though. I feel like our love sort of trumped it all.”

Louis bit the inside of his bottom lip. They’d talked about everything from the past. The nuances of growing up, the good and the bad, their friendship, and all the shit they got up to, but not their relationship. It was funny because their relationship was the bulk of it. It was everything. They loved like they invented it and that wasn’t even covering it. It was so much more. 

“Do you think about it sometimes, Louis?” Harry asked, his voice suddenly a lot quieter than it was a moment ago. “Us?”

“Yes,” Louis whispered, not even trying to mask it. What was the point of lying?

“I do, too.”

Louis peered over to find Harry’s eyes, dark and blazing, looking back at him. “What do you think about?” he asked.

“Everything. How it all happened, everything we said and did. I know that when you’re young things just seem so much more intense than it is, but I swear, I felt like my heart would burst into flames sometimes.”

Louis’ mind drifted to their break up, weirdly enough. When they were fighting, things like _I would die for you_ , _I would jump in front of a car for you_ , just flew out of their mouths like it was nothing. Maybe it wasn’t. Maybe they really would have done all those things for each other. So he knew what Harry was talking about. Their hearts felt like it would burst into flames from how much they loved each other, setting everything on fire, including themselves. 

“Louis ̶ ”

“You always call me by my name now,” Louis said, without thinking. 

Harry paused. 

“You used to call me baby. Do you remember that?”

Harry’s eyes drifted down to Louis’ lips and he nodded. 

“It made me feel special...and loved, I guess. Now, you just call me by my name.”

It felt like forever before Harry’s eyes finally lifted up to meet Louis’. He didn’t say anything, only moved closer to Louis. Louis inhaled slowly, too scared to move or do anything. Harry continued to shift until their bodies were pressed together, and everything fell quiet. He slowly pressed his face to the crook of Louis’ neck, breathing him in for a moment. Louis held his breath, his eyes fluttering shut when he felt the barest hint of Harry’s lips on his skin, ghosting over it. 

He knew what Harry was close to doing and he desperately wanted to as well, but this wasn’t right. Louis was drunk, but he wasn’t _that_ drunk. And he knew the same for Harry, even if he was a lightweight. Louis placed his hand on Harry’s shoulder, stopping him. 

“Harry, we can’t.”

Immediately, Harry jerked back. “I’m...I’m sorry.”

“You...I...it’s, um…”

“I’m sorry,” Harry said again. 

“It’s fine,” Louis said. 

“I don’t know what just...came over me.” 

“It’s okay. I was right there with you.”

Harry looked at Louis, his eyes still dark and hazy. 

“I’ll just go, okay? It’s getting late, anyway.” 

“Sure...let me call you a cab, alright?”

Louis nodded his head and settled back while Harry went to fetch his phone from the kitchen. Fucking hell. He ran his hand down his face and took a deep breath. That took a turn. 

»«

When Louis walked through the door of his apartment, he found his best friends watching Disney+, an old episode of a show playing on the TV while they laughed at the cheesy jokes. They both glanced up as the door shut behind Louis. 

Niall smiled. “How was dinner?”

Louis licked his lips, nervous, and he didn’t know why. He put his keys on the key hook and walked over to where they were sitting. “It was good. I had fun, but um, something happened tonight,” he confessed. 

“Is everything alright?” Zayn asked, sounding concerned. 

Louis nodded rapidly. “Yeah, yeah, everything’s fine. Something happened at Harry’s place, though, and I’m kind of freaking out.”

“Well, what happened?” Niall asked, sitting up a little straighter as he looked at Louis. 

“I went over there for dinner,” Louis started to explain, pacing back and forth in their tiny living room while the two boys looked at him, all attention on him instead of the TV show that continued to play. “It was amazing. He made this incredible dinner and it was so good. We started drinking wine and we were a bit drunk...okay, a lot more than a bit. We were just sitting on the couch, drinking and talking, catching up. And then the energy just started to change. It...was unreal. I wanted to jump out of my skin from how crazy I felt. We started talking about us...and our past. Then we got a little handsy, sort of...I don’t know. Like, we almost kissed.” 

Niall chuckled, eyes playful. “That sounds hot. But...he still has a boyfriend, right?”

“Yeah,” Zayn added, not looking impressed. “I get you two have history, but he shouldn’t be doing all that when he’s got Brayden in the picture too.”

“I know that,” Louis said, looking at them and trying to stand still. He could run fifty marathons right now. His adrenaline was through the roof from just one almost-kiss from Harry. He didn’t know how to calm down. “And Harry knows that, too. We both stopped right away before it could go anywhere.”

“That’s fine, but what now?” Zayn asked him. 

“I don’t...know.”

“If you want my honest opinion, I don’t think you should be seeing him anymore.”

Louis stared at him disbelievingly. “You know it’s not that easy.”

“It can be. You’ve done it before,” Zayn said. “He left town and you were able to get through that.”

“Barely,” Louis scoffed dryly. 

“Don’t do that, Lou,” Niall said. “You made it through that as difficult as it was.”

“Yeah, that was once. I don’t want to have to go through it again.”

“Look,” Zayn said. “It might hurt, but you’ve already experienced it so it might not hurt as much this time. Harry came back into your life by chance and I know he really wormed his way in, but you should be able to put your foot down. You say you can’t say no to him, but it’s time you did. You don’t deserve to be the side piece. Fuck that!” 

“Zayn’s right, Lou,” Niall chimed in. “You might not think you can go through this again, but you are capable because you’ve already done it once.”

Louis knew his friends were coming from a good place. They didn’t want him to get hurt and they both made valid points that while Harry was with Brayden, nothing could happen between him and Louis. But as much as Louis was resisting Harry at first, now that he gave in and let him into his life again, he wasn’t sure if _he_ was willing to let go. 

»«

The following week was Louis’ birthday. He didn’t want to do anything big since he was planning to go back home to his mom’s house the next day for Christmas, so he decided to have a small get together at a local bar with Zayn and Niall. But then Harry asked Louis what he was planning to do and Louis couldn’t just not invite him after telling him the plans. They hadn’t talked about what happened the night of their dinner. In fact, they’d brushed it under the rug and acted like things were completely fine, which Louis realized wasn’t very smart. As a buffer, Louis told Harry to bring Liam too because he didn’t want Zayn and Niall to attack Harry out of protectiveness for Louis by getting him alone. 

The night of, the three boys arrived early, grabbing a big round booth to sit in and ordered a few pitchers of beer to start off with as well as loads of finger food. It’d been a good day overall. Zayn and Niall got Louis a Korean sponge cake in the morning from the bakery nearby and brought it to his room where they blew out a single candle and then ate the cake with just their forks on Louis’ bed. After that, Louis called his family and video chatted with them for a bit before taking a nap until it was time to start getting ready for their outing. 

“When are Liam and Harry showing up?” Zayn asked, taking a big bite of nachos, melted cheese landing on his bottom lip. He slipped his tongue out to lick it off, making Louis laugh at how ravenous they were being. In their defense, the cake was all they had that day so they were super hungry. 

“Should be soon,” Louis said. He checked his phone for notifications but didn’t find any from Harry. “If we run out of food, we’ll just order more.”

“I think we should get another cake,” Niall said. 

“Second that,” Zayn agreed. 

“I don’t think this bar has cake,” Louis responded, chuckling. As they mourned for the cake they had that morning, Louis saw Liam walk in, followed by Harry who was holding a birthday balloon and flowers. Louis felt like he was going to melt in a puddle. This was their tradition of sorts. Every year, Harry brought Louis a single birthday balloon with flowers. The first year he did it, he had given him a daisy that he’d plucked from someone’s garden. This year, it was a whole bouquet. Louis preened, unable to help himself until he saw Brayden walking in right behind Harry. 

His smile slowly fell from his lips and he could barely warn his friends before the boys spotted them. “Happy birthday, Louis,” Liam said, being the first one to greet him with a half-hug and handshake. 

“Thanks, Liam,” he replied. “I’m glad you made it.”

As Liam moved aside to slide into the booth beside Zayn and Niall, Harry approached Louis, beaming. “Happy birthday,” he breathed, engulfing Louis in a hug. It was a tight one, one of those bear hugs Harry was so fond of giving, but Louis didn’t have it in him to return it. Not when Brayden was standing right in front of him, giving a polite wave. Louis smiled sardonically and waved back whilst Harry’s arms were still wrapped around him. 

When he finally let go, he handed Louis the balloon and flowers. “These are for you,” he said. 

“Thanks,” Louis said, taking them from him. “You didn’t have to.”

“Of course, I did. It’s your birthday.”

“Well, I appreciate it.”

Harry smiled, looking slightly nervous. “First round of shots are on me. Lou, can you give me a hand in bringing them over?”

“Oh, uh, sure.”

Before anyone else could object or try to offer to go instead, Harry grabbed Louis and dragged him to the bar while Brayden took a seat beside Liam. Once they were away from the group, Harry looked at Louis with wide, doe eyes. “I’m so sorry. I really didn’t want to bring him. He showed up out of nowhere this afternoon,” he said. 

“Harry ̶ ”

“I swear on my life.”

“You don’t have to.”

“I told him I had plans tonight and that it was your birthday, but he insisted on coming and it was so uncomfortable, I didn’t know how to tell him no.”

“Maybe mention that it’s your ex-boyfriend’s birthday and it would be weird to show up?” Louis suggested. 

Harry turned pink. “Ex- _boyfriend_.”

So that was what he was going to focus on? The fact that Louis called him his ex- _boyfriend_? Louis was so endeared but also pissed off. “It’s just shitty,” he said softly. 

“I’m really sorry. I don’t want to ruin your birthday. If you want, I can take him and leave.”

“No,” Louis shook his head. That’d be so rude. “It’s fine. Let’s get the shots and head back.”

When they returned to the table, the boys were all having a heated discussion about Star Wars, which Harry and Louis joined in on. As the night progressed like their conversations, the shots disappeared as did some of the pitchers of beer they ordered. Louis was drunk and wanted to cuddle, so he leaned on Zayn’s shoulder, smiling as they listened to Niall tell a story about a one night stand he once had that insisted on being taken out for brunch the following morning. 

“That’s insane,” Liam laughed. “But it’s nice that you took her out.”

“Got a good meal out of it,” Niall shrugged. “She was definitely attractive and I didn’t mind spending time with her.”

Louis peeked over at Harry like he had been doing throughout the night since they came. Harry had maintained enough distance between himself and Brayden that they could fit another person between them. He kept interactions at a minimal, though Brayden tried to speak to him and even cuddle at one point, and Louis wasn’t sure what to make of it. It was clear that Harry was trying to respect Louis and not be all loved up with his boyfriend, but he still brought him. A part of Louis was jealous and bitter, while another part was secretly cheering that Harry was barely paying attention to him. 

“You know who hasn’t had a one night stand in a long fucking time?” Zayn asked as he put his arm around Louis and gave him a squeeze. Oh, God. “This guy.” He looked at Louis who was glaring daggers at him. “How about it, Lou?”

“What are you talking about?” Louis asked him. 

“I’m talking about you getting some.”

Louis wrinkled his nose, shifting away. “I don’t want to get some.”

Niall and Liam were laughing along with Brayden, who was tipsy at this point, but Harry had a pained look on his face, and Louis didn’t know what to make of it. “I’d say you earned it. Had a solid semester at school, crushing it at work, and it’s your birthday,” Niall said, adding on to Zayn’s teasing. 

“Thanks, but no thanks.”

“Not even if it’s that cute guy by the bar who hasn’t been able to keep his eyes off of you this whole night?” Zayn asked, gesturing in the direction of the bar. 

As much as Louis didn’t care, he looked out of pure curiosity. There was a guy who was sneaking glances at him while talking with his friend. He was cute, tall, and had nice hair. Exactly his type. Maybe if this was months ago, before Harry came back into his life and wasn’t sitting right in front of him. Maybe then Louis would entertain the idea. He was never going to settle when the best thing that had ever happened to him was right there in front of him. 

He was fucked. 

Louis looked at Zayn and willed him to change the topic, which he did. They started talking about Christmas plans. Niall was flying out to Hawaii with his family and taking a two-week-long vacation. Zayn was staying here while his family drove in. He was thinking of introducing them to Jaz, who he’d made things official with. Liam was driving home as was Louis and Harry. Brayden was going over to his parent’s house in Sherman Oaks for lunch and to drive around after to look at Christmas lights, which was a family tradition. 

In the midst of this conversation, a drink appeared at their table in front of Louis. Louis looked at the waitress in confusion. “I didn’t order this,” he told her. “Think you might have the wrong table.”

“No, this is for you,” she smiled. “It’s from that gentleman over by the bar. He wished you a happy birthday!” 

Louis stared at her blankly and then looked at the guy who had been ogling him all night, wondering how they knew it was his birthday. Sure they were loud, but there were countless conversations happening around them and the music was loud. Then he remembered the balloon tied to the flowers from Harry that were on the seat beside them. 

Right. 

“Um, thank you,” Louis said to the waitress. She gave him a quick smile and walked away. The rest of the table was silent but then started cheering, laughing at Louis. 

“Looks like you’ve got an admirer,” Zayn teased, his eyes twinkling. 

“Shut up,” Louis groaned. He supposed it was kind of funny, but also a little forward. 

“Don’t knock it till you try it, dude,” Brayden piped up. “Anything’s possible. He could be the one for all you know. Might be the love of your life.”

Harry spit out the drink he was in the middle of taking and everyone looked over at him as he started to choke. “Jesus Christ, Harry. Are you alright?” Liam asked, leaning over to clap his back. 

Harry nodded, his eyes red and watery. He looked at Louis and Louis couldn’t handle it. From Brayden’s comment to Harry’s reactions. He got up and took his drink. “I’m going to go thank him,” he said, gesturing over to the guy. 

The boys hooted and hollered sans Harry as he made his way to the bar. The guy looked at him as he approached and grinned, his friend quickly scurrying away to give them some space. “Hey,” he said. 

“Hey,” Louis replied, holding up his drink. “Thanks for this. I’m Louis, by the way.”

“Connor,” he introduced himself. “Nice to meet you. Are you having a good birthday?”

“So far, it’s been alright,” Louis said, his intoxication making him a bit more honest than he usually would be. “Just a bit awkward.”

“What’s awkward?” Connor asked him, cocking his head to the side. 

And because Louis was drunk, he divulged himself to Connor, telling him about Harry, how Harry brought his ex there, and the events that led up to him coming over. Connor raised his eyebrows in surprise, chuckling. “Wow, that’s a lot.”

“It is. I’m sorry. You don’t care. You were nice enough to get me a drink and I’m over here drunkenly telling you about my ex-boyfriend and his new boyfriend.”

Connor shook his head, genuinely laughing. “No, no. I found that all to be entertaining. I mean, I don’t know if you noticed, but he’s been glaring at me like he’s about to kill me the whole time you’ve been here.”

Louis blinked in surprise. “How do you know which one’s him?”

“Curly brown hair?” Connor asked, his eyes on Louis’ booth behind him. 

“Yup.”

“Yeah, then that’s him. Plus, it was a dead giveaway since the rest of your friends are laughing and having a good time, but he’s the only pouting about it.”

“I think neither of us knows what this is and that’s the hard part,” Louis confessed. “Not quite friends, but not more than friends. It’s weird.”

“I get that,” Connor nodded understandingly. “I’m sorry this is stressing you out on your birthday.”

“It’s fine...I knew what I was getting myself into.” 

Connor smiled mischievously. “How about we get a little even?”

“What do you mean?” Louis asked. 

“You know...he brought his boyfriend to your birthday outing. You should give him a taste of his medicine.”

“I don’t know how I’d do that…”

“Kiss me,” Connor challenged, a playful glint in his eyes.

“What?” Louis asked incredulously. “Kiss you?”

“Yeah! It’d be perfect. He’ll lose it, for sure. Maybe it’ll force you guys to have the conversation that you’re avoiding.”

Louis thought about it for a moment, or as far as his drunk, muddled brain would let him, and nodded. “I guess I can see what you mean. It was pretty shitty of him. Brayden shouldn’t be here.”

“Sounds like a douchey name, if you ask me.”

“It is, right?” Louis groaned. “And he kept putting his fucking hands on Harry’s shoulders and his thigh. Like, get your fucking hands off my boy!” 

Connor laughed, throwing his head back. “You’re fucking hilarious. Now’s a perfect chance. He’s not even trying to hide the fact that he’s looking at us.” He was looking over Louis’ shoulder again and Louis wanted to look too but knew that it’d make it all obvious. He didn’t want to make eye contact with Harry right now. He was all fired up, upset, and ready to throw a fit. 

“Fine,” Louis shrugged, mumbling. “I guess a kiss won’t hurt.”

He bridged the gap between them, pressing his lips against Connor’s and letting it go on for a moment or two before pulling back. Immediately, his head turned to look at Harry and the look on Harry’s face was thunderous. It sent shivers down Louis’ spine. He felt wanted and he was craving that from Harry. He missed it. Their back and forth. It almost reminded him of high school when they’d try to do shit to spite the other only to come back to each other. It was the most addicting part of their relationship, to see how far they could push the other. 

Louis grinned at Connor. “It worked!”

“It did, yeah,” Connor grinned, sipping his drink. “I think pushing him to have the conversation will help. Your friends are right...you don’t deserve this.”

“I get where my friends are coming from. They want to protect me, but I don’t think Harry would do anything to hurt me.”

“Well, I don’t know him, but someone might not want to hurt you but do it unintentionally anyway.”

Louis placed his empty glass drink on the bartop and swayed drunkenly. Connor had a point, and Zayn and Niall would probably agree with what he said. Maybe the next time they were alone, Louis could say something to Harry. Tonight was clearly not the place or time. 

“Thanks, Connor,” Louis said. “It was nice chatting with you. And kissing you too, I guess.”

Connor grinned, pulling him in for a hug. “Wonderful meeting you too, Louis. Good luck.”

Louis turned around and headed back to their booth, but when he got there, two of the spots were empty. He frowned, looking up at Liam, Zayn, and Niall. “Where did Harry go?” he asked. 

“Up and left like a minute ago,” Niall said to him. “Said he had to leave and Brayden followed him out.”

“Oh,” Louis mumbled, feeling woozy all of a sudden as he stood there. He slumped back into his seat and felt his stomach sink. 

»«

The phone woke Louis up at three in the morning when he was passed out on his bed. They’d left the bar around one, and Louis didn’t even bother changing out of his clothes. He collapsed on top of his comforter and knocked right out. Fumbling around his bed for his phone, he eventually found it on the floor and answered without checking who it was. 

“Hello?” he rasped, flopping onto his back while cradling the phone between his shoulder and ear. He tried to unbutton his jeans to get them off so he could get under the covers, but it was proving difficult. He was still slightly drunk. 

“Lou,” Harry said, his voice rushed and panicked. 

“Harry?” Louis immediately shot up in bed. 

“Lou, I need you to come get me.” Louis’ heart started racing. Harry sounded scared and like he was on the verge of tears. 

“Where are you? Are you okay?” Blearily, Louis started reaching for his shoes, trying to get them on quickly. 

“I’m...I’m in jail.”

»«

After leaving Louis’ birthday celebrations, Harry convinced Brayden that they should buy spray paint and graffiti on the side of a corporate building. It was in an area not too far from the bar and it was crowded enough that there were people around. When they inevitably got caught, the two of them were arrested by the police and had spent a few hours in jail before they were allowed to call someone to pick them up. Brayden declined while Harry called Louis. Once Louis got there, they were released with a couple of fines. 

Louis was extremely confused and disoriented, but he saved all of his questions for later and followed Harry out of the police station quietly. Brayden looked furious, storming past them outside before stopping and turning around to face Harry. Louis looked between the two, wondering what was going to happen next. The tension in the air was thick. Harry looked tired and distant like he wasn’t quite himself at the moment. A flare of protectiveness came over Louis, and he couldn’t help but glare at Brayden suspiciously. 

“I’m going to come by your apartment next Friday to come to pick up that sweater I left,” Brayden said. 

“Okay,” Harry replied with no emotion whatsoever. He was stiff and looked so exhausted. Louis had the urge to take him home and take care of him until he was himself again. 

“I don’t think you have anything at my place,” Brayden went on.

“I don’t,” Harry cut in sharply, looking at him. “I’ll see you on Friday, Brayden.”

Brayden huffed. “Thanks for wasting my time, Harry. It was obvious you still had unresolved issues and I was stupid enough to not see it.” He shot Louis a glare and left for good this time, walking quickly down the block. 

Louis took a deep breath as he placed his hands on his hips. “I’m so confused right now,” he said. “You have so much to explain. Like, let’s start with why I just picked you up from jail.”

“Not right now,” Harry mumbled, staring at the ground, sighing heavily. 

“Are you --”

“Lou,” Harry pleaded, looking at him. “Just no.”

“You can’t be serious, Harry,” Louis said. “You also left earlier without saying goodbye. What was that about?”

“Yeah, well you seemed busy,” Harry replied pointedly. 

Louis raised his eyebrows and stepped back for a moment, pacing for a few moments. “Are you pissed at me or something?”

It took a second, but Harry eventually shook his head. “No, I’m not. I just can’t do this right now. Will you come back with me to mine?”

“Right now?”

“Yeah.”

“Are you going to explain yourself if I go with you?” Louis asked. He knew he was being difficult, but so was Harry. 

“Louis,” Harry said, almost whining. “I’ll explain, alright? Just please come. I need you right now.”

And Louis was sold. All Harry had to do was say the word and he was nodding his head. He was still confused, but he figured once they got to Harry’s place, they could talk. When the two of them arrived at Harry's apartment, Louis followed him up the stairs and inside. Harry was quiet the whole journey home, a pensive look on his face, and Louis was just about done with this. He wanted to know what the fuck went down. 

“Harry,” Louis said once they had their shoes off and were getting settled. Harry was in the kitchen pouring the two of them glasses of water from the pitcher in the fridge. “Can we talk about what’s going on? Why were you arrested?”

“I spray-painted on the side of a building,” Harry replied. 

“Okay, yeah, I gathered that bit, but _why_ did you do it?” 

“It’s stupid.”

“You can tell me. Did Brayden make you do it?”

Harry snorted. “No, not at all.”

“Then?”

“Actually, I made him do it.” 

“ _You_?” Louis stared at him with surprised eyes. When Harry looked at him, the ghost of a sheepish smile on his face, Louis still refused to believe him. The Harry he knew, the one he grew up with and loved with every last piece of him, would never do this. Harry was that kid who helped the elderly cross the road. He got the most tips at the diner simply because the customers adored him. There wasn’t a person Louis knew who didn’t think the world of Harry. 

Harry raised an eyebrow. “Is that really so hard to believe?”

“Yes,” Louis replied bluntly. “You...you don’t do that, Harry. You don’t go out and do illegal shit. That’s not you.”

“Maybe not,” Harry responded, his cheeks flushing all of a sudden, but the defiant tilt to his chin remained. 

“Were you drunk or something?” That was the only reason Louis could think of that would make Harry break laws and get arrested. This was so unlike him. 

“No, not really. Look, I’m not exactly proud of it, but I did it,” Harry explained. “And I’m not sorry, either.”

“No one to apologize to,” Louis said. “Just not something I’d expect from you.”

“Surprised I’m not a perfect person?” 

Louis started to reply, a denial on his edge of his lips when he stopped himself because he realized that he was surprised. He did think of Harry as perfect, someone who could do no wrong. Harry laughed wryly at his response or lack thereof. 

“I’m not perfect, Louis. I never was,” he said. “If anything, I’m sorry for doing this on your birthday. If I’m sorry about anything, it’s that.”

“Is there a reason why you decided to suddenly go vandalize buildings?” 

Harry put down the pitcher he was holding and braced the counter with both of his hands, his hands white from the pressure. He was quiet for the longest time, his expression growing more and more troubled as time went on. Louis could tell he was struggling with whatever was inside of him. He wanted to comfort him, so he walked a few steps closer, standing beside him but didn’t touch. 

“Harry, you’re really scaring me,” Louis said. 

“I’m sorry,” Harry replied brokenly. He looked up and his eyes were glassy as they always got when he was overwhelmed with emotions. 

Louis clenched his fists, stopping himself from reaching over. “About?”

“I’m just sorry for everything. I ruined today for you and...God knows what else. I’m so sorry.”

“Harry,” Louis pressed.

“I just got really upset,” Harry admitted, his voice breaking. “Seeing you with that guy at the bar snapped something inside of me. I don’t know what it was. Maybe it was the fact that I genuinely never thought you’d actually move on.”

“You mean like how you moved on?” Louis pointed out. 

Harry chuckled, dry, and sarcastic. “If I truly moved on, would I have reacted the way I did tonight?”

Louis shrugged and Harry stood up straighter, his stature towering over Louis as he stretched his back before leaning against his counter, crossing his arms over his chest. “I don’t really want to talk about Brayden right now, anyway.”

“You guys broke up.”

“I didn’t ask Brayden to follow me. He did it on his own accord and he wouldn’t leave me alone. And the more he followed me, the more I thought about why he was in the picture at all. I didn’t feel half of what I felt for you with him.”

“Then why were you with him?” Louis asked, crossing the room and leaning back against the kitchen wall opposite Harry. 

“I think that a part of me thought that I’d be the shittiest person in the world to not just him, but also to you. If I broke up with him the moment you came back, it wouldn’t have been a good look.” 

“How? You had to have felt something if you were still with him, yet you keep talking about how you never had feelings for him.”

“Because I didn’t!” Harry exclaimed. “He was determined to go out with me and kept asking even after I’d said no a couple of times. After a while, I thought that four years was a long time. Maybe I wouldn’t ever find you again. I thought that was it and I wanted to give it a shot. I didn’t realize you’d come back into my life as soon as I made that choice.”

“That’s the thing...it was a choice,” Louis sighed, his own words surprising him. He truly didn’t expect to be here tonight, talking about all of this with Harry, but it felt like it was time. This conversation was long overdue. 

“A wrong one. I would have broken up with him sooner or later, whether you showed up or not. But when you did, I thought that I’d look like a terrible person for breaking up with him to run back to my ex. It also wouldn’t have been fair to you to put that pressure on you. You weren’t exactly willing to give me a shot...I didn’t know where we stood, Lou. My main priority was wanting you back in my life in whatever way I could have you.”

To an extent, Louis understood him and he accepted it. A big part of it was that Louis knew Harry wouldn’t ever lie to him. He’d never done that, so he knew his explanation was genuine, much like everything Harry did or said. He nodded his head in acknowledgment. “So, what happened tonight?”

Harry hesitated, his hands restless as he uncrossed them and placed them flat on the counter behind him. “I don’t know, really. Like I said...a part of me snapped and I was so jealous I didn’t know how to react. When Brayden followed me, I wanted to do something drastic. I thought back to how you’d always have me feeling like I was going to jump out of my skin with adrenaline. There was always something so thrilling and addictive about loving you. I was aching for it. Got a taste of it at the bar when you kissed that guy and I just wanted more.

“I think another big part of it was because I couldn’t exactly march over and do anything about you and that guy because you deserve to be happy and you deserve to get to move on. I’m the one who fucked up. I broke us up, I got with Brayden, and here we are.”

He let out a bitter laugh and Louis could see his eyes going manic, a crazed look behind them. 

“Harry -”

“I didn’t know what else to do to bring that same thrill back. I wanted to do something crazy...so I did that. And I feel immensely stupid now because we got arrested, for fuck’s sake. Brayden got pissed and we ended it in a jail cell, but that was whatever. Now we’re here because I’m a mess and you don’t deserve this, Louis. So I’m sorry for everything.” 

He looked down at his toes, unable to meet Louis’ eyes anymore while Louis soaked in his words, trying to keep up with it all. “So, you vandalized a building because you wanted to feel the _thrill_ you felt when you were with me?” Louis asked, just for clarification. His head was swimming and he didn’t know if it was a lack of rest or all the alcohol they consumed at the bar. 

“Yes.”

“That’s just fucking...amazing,” Louis scoffed, turning away and walking toward the sitting room. 

“Why are you saying it like that?” Harry asked, following him. 

“It’s just fucking _rich_ , Harry, because you did something reckless just so you could feel like how you used to feel with me. Meanwhile, you broke up with me and broke my fucking heart for this exact reason. Because you thought I was too reckless, too troubled, and too much of everything. So don’t mind me. I’m just fucking _confused_.” 

“I fucked up,” Harry repeated. “I fucked up, I told you, and you know... you know it’s the not only reason I did what I did.”

“I know,” Louis said. “I know that there was the situation with your dad’s diner and I know that you were leaving for college, but Harry, toward the end you really gave up.”

Harry let out a choked sound, his eyes pleading. “Yeah, I did, because it just felt like...the right thing to do, but that doesn’t change how I felt...or how I still feel today. I knew you were going to mean something so special to me the moment I met you, Louis, no matter how young we were. And I was completely taken by you. You’re beautiful and intriguing. There was no chance that I wouldn’t fall in love with you. 

“When we broke up, it was at a time when I was leaving town and everything ahead of me seemed so new and exciting like the possibilities were endless. I thought that there was so much more to life that we hadn’t yet experienced and we owed it to ourselves to do more than what that town expected us to. I didn’t want either of us to hold each other back.”

Louis exhaled shakily as he felt himself sinking down onto the couch. “It’s four years too late for me to hold it over your head and be angry with you, but you broke me, Harry,” Louis said, his voice cracking. “You fucking broke me. I think everyone thought that was it for me, and I don’t blame them. I think I also thought it was over for me. You happened to me so deeply, it was like you were inside of me and you ripped yourself out when you left.”

“I’m sorry,” Harry begged, walking over and sitting beside Louis. “I didn’t mean to do that, Lou.”

“I know,” Louis nodded, goosebumps rising on his skin from how close Harry was sitting. “What’s happened, happened, and we both moved on. I just...I’m so scared of what you’re trying to say right now.”

“What do you think I’m trying to say?” Harry whispered. 

Louis looked at him, his face so unbelievably close. From here, Louis can see his red-rimmed eyes, his splotchy pink cheeks, and his cherry red lips that he’d bitten raw. “You’re drunk, Harry,” Louis said. “We’re both drunk.”

“Yeah, but I still love you.”

Louis sucked in a breath, only able to exhale for a moment before Harry’s lips were on his. As cliche as it may sound, Louis felt the broken pieces inside of him slowly click back into place. He moaned into the kiss, his hand on the back of Harry’s head to hold him in place, and kissed him deeper, his taste so familiar and welcoming. Harry was relentless, kissing Louis like he was seeking oxygen from him like he wouldn’t be able to breathe if he stopped. Louis shifted back, bringing Harry with him until he was lying back on the couch with Harry between his legs. 

As Louis felt Harry pawing at Louis’ waist, tugging on his shirt and jeans to touch his skin, Louis sighed into the kiss, his own hands moving up to pull at Harry’s hair just like he’d always liked. At the first tug, Harry moaned, lifting his lips from Louis’. He already looked so fucked and debauched, his eyes dark and lips red, and they’d only just started. 

“Fucking hell,” he groaned, looking at Louis like he wanted to swallow him whole. He leaned back down, pressing wet kisses along Louis’ jaw while rolling his hips against Louis’. Louis started to breathe heavily, his throat dry, getting more and more turned on at the movements. It’d been so long since he was with someone, he wouldn’t be surprised if he came in his pants now just from this. Harry continued to trail kisses down his face to his neck, laving his tongue over every inch he could get. Louis indulged him, allowing Harry to bite and nibble and suck, feeling bruises form all over his skin. He wanted to be marked, wanted to know this was real and happening, and not just a dream.

He let his hands wander, reaching for the hem of Harry’s shirt and tugging it up. “Get this off,” he whispered. Harry pressed a soft kiss over a particularly aching love bite before sitting up, lifting the shirt over his head. Louis’ hands immediately reached for him, touching the newly exposed skin while Harry worked to get Louis’ shirt off. He discarded both of them on the floor before kissing Louis on the lips again. 

This time it was a little more tender, a little deeper, making Louis’ toes curl and his lower belly heat up with want. Harry was back to grinding on him and they were both hard, but neither were in a rush now that they were kissing again. Louis thought back to the kiss he shared with Connor and the nameless guys over the years. How none of those could ever compare to this. 

“I really want you to fuck me,” Harry moaned into his ear. 

“ _Harry_ ,” Louis groaned. “Fuck.”

He grabbed Harry by the arms and sat up, pushing Harry until he was the one on top this time. Harry smiled, kissing Louis’ jaw, his chin, his throat. “I’ve got condoms and lube in my room in the bottom drawer of my side table.”

Louis didn’t need to be told twice. He got up and walked over to Harry’s room. He hadn’t really spent any time inside this room, only for a minute when he’d gotten a tour during their dinner. It was small, like the rest of the apartment, but something about it made him nostalgic about Harry’s old room in Albany with the yellow curtains. He really missed it and a part of him wished they were back there, back in time before everything became such a mess. However, he reminded himself that everything that happened then led them here, and there was no point in looking back. He had Harry now, even after all these years, and that was all he was going to focus on. 

Quickly, Louis grabbed what he came for and walked back out to the living room. Harry had taken his pants off, palming himself over his briefs. He smiled shyly at Louis, making grabby hands for him. Louis smiled, putting the stuff he brought on the ground beside the couch and took off his pants and boxers in one go, leaving him naked. Harry’s eyes zeroed in on his cock, painfully hard, and the fucker bit his lip, looking up at Louis with hungry eyes. 

He was going to be the death of him. 

“Come here,” Harry said, quietly. Louis relented, settling back on top of Harry and kissing him soundly. He couldn’t get enough of it. He wanted to kiss Harry until they couldn’t breathe and then some. 

Harry seemed content with that, his fingers lazily tracing shapes on Louis’ back while he kissed him languidly, like they had all the time in the world, as if it wasn’t Christmas and they both had to drive home in a few hours. Louis broke the kiss, sitting up and then leaning down to give him another one because he was so pretty. Harry laughed and Louis tapped on the waist of Harry’s briefs. 

“Can I take these off?” he asked. 

“Of course,” Harry said, his eyes twinkling. He wiggled his bottom while Louis pulled them off, revealing Harry’s hard cock, glistening at the top from pre-come. Louis wanted to take it between his lips and suck him off, but he knew they were both on a time crunch and would only have time for one round. He wanted to get Harry off one way for now and it was with Louis’ cock inside of him, so he wrapped his hand around Harry, tugging a few times, making him hiss and flutter his eyes closed from pleasure. God, Louis had missed this. He reached down for the lube, opening the bottle and spreading some between his fingers. 

Harry shifted back a bit, letting his legs fall open and allowed Louis space to reach down. Louis rubbed his pointer finger over Harry’s hole a few times, trying to get Harry to relax before he started to slowly push one finger in. Harry started breathing harshly, his brows scrunched together in concentration. 

“Hey,” Louis said to him. “C’mere.” He leaned in to kiss Harry, sliding his tongue against his, and Harry slowly started to relax enough that Louis was able to push one finger in completely. It was tight, but they were eager. Louis’ lips felt raw and numb, but he continued to kiss Harry through it, sliding another finger in and then another until Harry was panting against his lips. 

“Fuck, _fuck_ ,” he breathed while Louis fucked him with his fingers, rubbing over his spot. “It feels good, Lou. So fucking good.”

“You think you’re ready?” Louis asked. 

Harry nodded, his eyes shining as he looked at Louis from underneath him. “Fuck me, baby,” he whispered, wrapping his arms tight around Louis’ waist, moving him forward as though he was trying to push Louis inside himself. “Please.”

Louis’ lips parted in shock and he stared at Harry, unable to form words. His heart stuttered in his chest, mind echoing with Harry’s voice calling him _baby_. He’d ached to hear him say it again for so long. Harry noted Louis’ reaction and surged forward to kiss him again, making the move for him. Louis kissed him back, his hand reaching down to get a condom from the new (HA!) box. He broke the kiss when he had one in his hand and he leaned back to unwrap it from the packet and roll it onto his cock. 

Harry pulled him close again by wrapping his long legs around Louis’ waist and tugging him forward. As Louis started to push in, Harry whispered praises and confessions in his ear. _Missed you, love you, this feels so good, you have no idea, I fucking love you, baby_. 

It gave Louis that push he needed to fuck Harry with all the energy he had left in him from the long night. Harry was loud like he always used to be, and Louis was transported back to the beginning. As he was inside Harry, he realized that this was fate. They were always meant to come back here to each other. This was always going to happen. Louis and Harry couldn’t be anywhere except together. 

»«

Louis woke up on the couch with Harry wrapped around him like an octopus. He yawned, rubbing his eyes, and looked around the room. The sun was spilling in through the window, and since there were no curtains or blinds, it bathed the room in light. Louis glanced down to find Harry awake, looking at him serenely. Without thinking, Louis snuggled into him, letting his head rest over Harry’s shoulder. He started to count the freckles on Harry’s back, reaching out to trace over them. “It tickles,” Harry said, his voice deep and gravely. 

Suddenly, Louis was on his back again with Harry straddling him. They were both obviously hard, morning wood and all, but there was also need and want in both their expressions, so eager and ready for round two. Harry leaned down to kiss Louis again, morning breath forgotten. “Merry Christmas, Lou,” he said. 

“Merry Christmas, Harry,” he whispered back. They probably slept for two hours, maybe three tops. Louis had to leave soon for his apartment to get dressed and pack. He also needed some food in him. There was so much to do and not enough time for round two. 

Meanwhile, Harry continued on like he had no worry in the world. He was lost in the kiss with Louis, trailing his long fingers down his chest, getting really into it and Louis felt his defenses coming down again. Before long, Harry was crawling down his body, sucking a love bite on Louis’ stomach. “Harry,” he sighed, more from pleasure than exasperation. “We have to go to Albany. I have to go home first.”

Smiling, Harry lifted his head to look at him. “I wanted to talk,” he said. “About us.”

Panic spread through Louis and he blinked at Harry. “I don’t know if I can right now.”

Harry sat up, his expression hurt as he leaned back against the cushions. “Do you regret it?” he asked. 

“I don’t, no,” Louis shook his head, sitting up as well. “I was sober enough to know what I was doing. And I wanted to do it, too, Harry. There wasn’t a part of me that didn’t want it, but I’ve always, always put you first. I’ve always cared about you more than I cared about myself and I was never going to be able to say no to you.”

“If you wanted it then that’s good, right?” Harry asked, staring intensely at their rumpled clothing on the floor, the used condom tied up beside them, and the pillows they’d thrown down to make room for the two of them to fit. “I don’t know what the problem is. I told you I love you.”

“You did, but you were also with someone else just hours before,” Louis reminded him. 

“You can’t possibly think what I think you mean.”

Louis scoffed, feeling cranky all of a sudden. “Of course, I am. I don’t want to be a rebound, Harry.”

“You could _never_ be a rebound,” Harry cried. “How could you think I’d treat you that way?”

“I don’t know what to think,” Louis said loudly. “I’m hungover, tired, and confused, okay? And I think I have a right to be. Things didn’t exactly end well with us, Harry.”

“I thought we moved past all of that.”

“You really think that we truly moved past everything? You and I both know that we were never going to be able to be just friends. If you didn’t know that then last night wouldn't have happened. There’s too much history, both good and bad, and I know I shouldn’t have rushed into what we did last night, but it’s happened, and I don’t know what to say right now. That’s why I don’t want to be having this conversation right now.” 

“But you just said you don’t regret it!”

“There’s a difference, Harry! I’m still fucking healing from the way you broke my heart all those years ago! It didn’t just go away even if I do accept what you said. I feel like I live through it every day, and I won’t ever fully get over it. Do you hear how pathetic that sounds? I’ve always thought I loved you more than you loved me. So when you introduced me to Brayden, it sort of confirmed it. If you truly loved me as much as I loved you then you would have never been able to move on, four years later or not.”

“Brayden meant nothing, Louis,” Harry begged him to understand. “He meant _nothing_. I swear to you.”

“But you were still with him,” Louis reminded him. “He was with you up until last night, at my fucking birthday party, no less. How shitty do you think I felt having to watch you sit there with your fucking boyfriend on my fucking birthday?”

“I _know_ how it felt. It probably felt exactly like how I felt when I saw you kiss _that fucker_ at the bar!”

Louis rolled his eyes. “That meant nothing.”

“Then believe me when I say Brayden meant nothing. No one, absolutely no one, will compare to how I feel about you. If you only knew how much I love you, have always loved you, then you’d understand. I know we’re meant to be together, Louis. I knew from the moment you kissed me at that stupid party after a dumb game of spin the bottle.”

“Oh, fuck off! Four years ago, I begged you to stay with me. I would have died to be with you. I wanted forever with you and you fucking told me that wasn’t true. You broke us, Harry, and you can’t fucking expect me to jump right back in with you.”

“I’m not asking you to do that!”

“Then what do you want from me?” Louis asked, throwing his hands up in frustration. He could feel himself tearing up from how angry and upset he was all at once. This was such a stark contrast to where they were just hours ago. The last 24 hours felt like a mindfuck of different emotions. 

“I want to be with you. I want you.”

“Harry, please.”

“I know I have no right,” Harry started to cry, his eyes swimming with tears. “Not with the way I left things, but at that moment, I really felt like I had no other choice.”

“I know...and I think a part of me gets that now, this many years later. I fucked up, too, Harry. I made some of the worst decisions of my life and almost lost one of my best friends. I don’t think I would ever be able to forgive myself if he died. But through all that, through everything I was going through, it would have been nice to have you there with me. I really needed you, Harry.”

With tears in both their eyes, they sat side by side on the couch where they made love just hours before. “I thought...it was what you needed.”

“Maybe,” Louis replied, sniffling. “Maybe it wasn’t healthy how much I needed you. I really didn’t think I was going to make it some days. I was ready to leave everything I had if it meant having you back.”

“So what changed?” Harry choked on a sob. 

“I don’t know...everything, I guess.”

“When can we talk then?” 

Louis stood up, gathering his clothes. “Maybe when we’re in Albany...or back here. I don’t know.”

Harry nodded, letting his tears spill over his eyes. “I’m just scared, Lou.”

Louis stopped what he was doing and looked at him. “Scared of what?”

“Scared of what you’ll say,” Harry admitted wetly. “Scared that you won’t want to love me again.” 

If only Louis was brave enough to tell him that he did love him. Of course, he loved him. He always would and that would never change. 

»«

It was mid-afternoon by the time Louis made it to his mom’s house. Leaving Harry upset wasn’t something he enjoyed doing and it was difficult saying goodbye. They’d hugged at Harry’s door and Louis promised they’d speak soon. Harry looked appeased and told him to wish his family a Merry Christmas on his behalf, which Louis promised he’d do. After he got to his apartment, he took a long hot shower, made himself breakfast before starting to pack. Once he got that sorted, he headed out. When he parked his car outside his childhood home, his sisters rushed out to greet and welcome him. 

Louis hugged all of them and gave each a kiss on their heads, feeling himself relax and let go of all the stress from LA. While the girls babbled and wished him happy birthday again, he saw his mom approach the doorway with Ernie following behind shyly. She gave him a bright smile and his heart swelled. 

“Alright, alright,” he said to the girls, slowly detaching from them. “Let’s go inside. I’m freezing.”

They all laughed, running past him to go back into the house. Louis walked over to his mom and gave her a big hug. “How are you, Lou?” she asked, breathing him in. 

“Good,” he said, pulling back. “Feels good to be home.”

“Happy to hear that, darling. Come on in. Let’s get you all settled. We’ve made quite a feast and we haven’t opened presents yet.”

“Aw, you guys waited?”

“Of course!” 

Louis smiled, following his mother inside, and shut the door behind him. 

»«

 **_9:21 PM:_ ** _Hey, any chance we could meet by the ravine?_

_Yeah, be there in ten._

It was three days after Christmas. Louis was feeling a lot better than he did on his birthday, or Christmas for that matter. Spending time with his family helped ground him, reminding him that even when his heart felt heavy and he felt weighed down by everything, his family was always going to be there for him in whatever way they could be. 

He’d facetimed Zayn and Niall, letting them know everything that happened because Louis relied on them too. They were family and they were supportive of him, even when he made questionable decisions. It was true back when they were just a bunch of troublemaking kids, and it was true now when they were twenty-somethings trying to figure out this dog-eat-dog world. 

Harry was already sitting on a large rock, staring at the water, when Louis got to the ravine. He glanced over when Louis walked over, offering a shy smile. Louis returned it with just a hint of skepticism. The truth was, he still wasn’t sure what to do about Harry and his confessions. He’d been playing the night of his birthday over and over again in his head, reliving the moments and words in his head. 

Louis just wanted to make the right decision. He didn’t want to mess this up again. 

He took a seat on the rock beside Harry’s and stared out at the familiar setting in front of him. The heavy, low-hanging trees were casting dark shadows on the ground, reflecting on the water in front of them. Louis pulled his sweater closer around him, picking up his feet onto the rock and crossing them while hugging his knees. “Haven’t been here in so long,” he said. “I stopped coming because it reminded me of you.” 

“Same, actually,” Harry replied, his voice low and quiet. “This whole town reminds me of you. Everywhere I look, I think of a memory you and I shared there.”

“It’ll always be ours, Harry,” Louis said. “What we had and this town.”

“I think so too,” Harry replied. “Did I ever tell you that I almost didn’t go out that night we bumped into each other in LA?”

“No,” Louis shook his head. 

“Well, I didn’t. I had a long week. Didn’t feel like going out, but my friends who invited me out were pushing me until I finally gave in. They’d left when you found me. But I think back to it like it’s a dream.”

“Not a nightmare?” Louis teased, smiling. 

“Shut up,” Harry laughed. “It was a dream. I spent the last four years dreaming of you coming back into my life, always in different scenarios.”

“What was the craziest one?” 

“I saw you in Hawaii once.”

Louis frowned, snorting as he said, “Hawaii?”

“Yeah,” Harry smiled sheepishly. “My family and I went there two years ago for vacation, and I kept thinking about you. One of those nights, I dreamt that you were there. I saw you on the beach just walking and looking so hot.”

Louis burst out laughing, reaching over to shove Harry, who was giggling. 

“Sorry,” he said. “Just saying it how I saw it.”

“Alright, then, go on. You saw me on the beach looking like a hunk.”

“I approached you and we talked.”

“That’s it?” Louis asked. 

“There was more. I think that was one of the naughtier ones. Sex on the beach was always an intriguing concept for me, after all. You know that.”

It was true. Harry had blushingly told Louis once when they were teenagers how he’d like to have sex on the beach when they were older. Louis teased, “Oh, so you were having wet dreams about me.”

“Sometimes, yeah,” Harry blushed, but he didn’t look the least bit embarrassed as he admitted that. “You just popped up in different places and we’d talk. I’d tell you how I feel and you’d react in different ways. Some of those dreams were sort of nightmares, like the ones where we fought and it was hard. But the others were easy like we always knew it was going to happen. We were always going to find each other. I guess what I’m trying to say is that no matter what, each of them ended with us saying that we still love each other.”

“Like fate,” Louis said softly and quiet between them.

“Yeah,” Harry said. “Like fate. Fate was always going to bring us back together, and I just knew that no matter what happened, I would always find you. At that bar, there was a moment where I ran through all the dreams I’d had where this would happen and wondered which version real life was going to play out as. Was it going to be easy? Was it going to be hard? I wasn’t sure, but I knew one thing.”

“What was that?” Louis asked. 

“That I wanted you. I wanted you in every dream...every version of it. I want you in real life, every lifetime no matter the circumstances.” 

Louis laughed brokenly, resting his head over his arms. “Oh, Harry.”

“I don’t want to waste any more time, Lou.”

“Neither do I. You don’t think I’ve missed you? You don’t think that I dreamt of you and wished you were with me every single day?”

Harry looked at him, his eyes already watery. “We can’t change it, though. We can’t change the past, but fate brought us here. Are we really going to let it down and give up? I just want to fix things. I want to fix it because it was always going to be you and me. No one else stood a chance.” 

They looked at each other, eyes unwavering as they felt the words they said to each other seep into their bones. This was it. Louis was done running. Why would he run when everything he ever wanted was right in front of him? They wouldn't mess up this time, Louis believed that with his whole heart. And if they did, they’d figure it out. Life wasn’t a guaranteed steady line. It was slopes and curves and shit you wouldn’t see coming, but that didn’t mean you never took a chance. 

“Come here,” Louis said to Harry. 

Harry crawled off his rock and approached Louis, settling down beside him. His arm came around Louis’ shoulder, holding him close as Louis rested his head on the crook of Harry’s neck. 

“You told me that you’d have left everything to be with me,” Harry said to him. “Well, I’m ready to leave everything to be with you. Just say the word and I’ll do it. I love you, Louis. I’m always going to love you.”

“I love you too,” Louis whispered, feeling the words swoosh right out of him in one, long breath. “I love you so much. Never stopped.” 

Louis nuzzled his nose against Harry’s neck and Harry bent down to press a soft kiss on his cheek. Louis tilted his head a little higher, pressing their lips together in a kiss. He felt his heart beat quiet and easy, at ease after so long, like it was finally home. 

»«

Louis spent the next couple of days with his family since he would have to go back to school and LA and wasn’t sure when the next time he would be coming back would be. It was fun, but he had to admit he was distracted the whole time. Since patching things up with Harry, his mind was occupied with thoughts of him and their steamy make-out session at the ravine, just like old times. Harry wasn’t pushy about spending more time together. He also opted to spend time with his family as well, but they texted constantly and facetimed at night. 

They drove back to LA on New Year’s Eve and that night, Louis found himself at a party thrown by one of Harry’s college friends, Holly. The apartment wasn’t crowded, but there was a good amount of people there. They set up a table full of drinks, punch, and snacks. There was a karaoke machine off on one corner as well as a photo booth section where you could take polaroids. Louis roped Niall, Zayn, and Jaz into coming so that he wouldn’t be glued to Harry’s side the whole time on account of not knowing anyone else. 

“I don’t get it,” Niall said, after a long sip of his beer. “Don’t you want to be glued to his side now that you’re back together after all these years?”

“Of course I do,” Louis said without missing a beat.

“Then what’s the problem?” Zayn asked, his arm slung around Jaz who was watching them with an amused smile on her face. 

“I don’t want to be overbearing,” Louis explained, drinking his beer and looking over to where Harry was standing a few feet away. He was laughing at something his friend Jonah had just said, head thrown back and so happy. “Like, we just got back together. He had these plans with his friends from a while back. I’m sure he doesn’t want to be glued to his boyfriend right now.”

“So you guys are boyfriends now?” Zayn smirked, nudging Louis on the shoulder with his free hand. 

Louis blushed, a big smile on his face. “I think so, yeah. I mean, we talked it all out, but haven’t fully labeled it yet. But I think so. I love him.”

“We know you do, Lou,” Niall said, pulling him in and pressing a sloppy kiss on his cheek. “Happy this worked out for you, even if you fuckers just won’t label yourselves already.”

“We know what we are,” Louis said, unbothered as he shrugged. 

As Louis went to take another sip of his drink, Harry appeared beside him, wrapping his long arms around Louis from behind. “Hi,” he said. “Missed you.”

Louis’ eyes narrowed and he could see his friends watching them. “You did?”

“Mhmm,” Harry mumbled, nosing against Louis’ cheek before whispering in his ear. “Don’t want to spend another second apart now that I’ve got you back.”

Louis shivered at his words and curved in toward Harry. When he faced him, Harry kissed him, his lips pressed tightly against Louis’ in a deep kiss. He could hear his friends grumbling about how insatiable they were, and Louis didn’t blame them. Earlier, Harry had come over and they’d locked themselves in Louis’ room and went at it for hours. Louis was sure he was going to be sore for days, but he saw stars when Harry was inside of him. It didn’t seem to be enough as they engaged in a full-blown make-out session right there. Were they too old to be looking for an empty room to hook up in at a party?

It was obvious after that that Harry didn’t mind if Louis was glued to his side. In fact, he preferred it as he entwined their fingers together and didn’t let go for the next few hours. They sang an Abba song together with the karaoke machine while everyone cheered and laughed. Afterward, Harry dragged Louis over to take a series of polaroid pictures. A few with silly faces, some with big cheesy grins, but Louis’ favorite was the one where Louis went in for a cheek kiss, but Harry turned his head at the last moment to plant a deep kiss on his lips. 

As midnight neared, they found themselves alone in a corner, waiting for the countdown to begin. Harry was beaming at Louis, telling him a story from college of when he and Holly tried to throw a pajama party but ended up setting her apartment on fire while baking weed brownies. Louis laughed and asked for more stories from college. There was still so much to catch up on for them. But it was alright. Louis had forever with Harry, after all. 

“I’m glad you’re here,” Harry said after a while. “Feel lucky to be kissing my boyfriend at midnight.”

“Your boyfriend?” Louis asked, pretending to be skeptical. “I’m your boyfriend?”

“Yes,” Harry giggled. “No more beating around the bush. You’re my boyfriend, my best friend, my everything.”

Louis laughed, giddy and over the moon, letting Harry pull him into a hug. “My forever,” he whispered to Harry and Harry’s eyes softened as he kissed him. 

“Feels so good to have you back,” Harry whispered back to him. “Love you, baby.”

“Love you too,” Louis smiled as he kissed him again with a little more bite. It devolved into another makeout session and they ended up kissing their way into the new year, midnight be damned. When midnight did strike, Louis couldn’t help but marvel at how perfect it all was. They were surrounded by friends, Harry was in his arms again, and there was glitter in the air. 

**Author's Note:**

> whewww! 
> 
> please please please tell me what you thought :*
> 
> [fic post](https://butyouneverdo.tumblr.com/post/617509801960914944/fic-come-home-to-my-heart-author-wildestdreams) | [playlist](https://open.spotify.com/user/123144119/playlist/2wVpdEJLXpzWvLTMqtDdmf?si=YtJZDs2VQBOmiCj2lIPX0Q) | [tumblr](http://butyouneverdo.tumblr.com/)  
> 


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